Summa Summa Summa-time!

I love this time of year! My classes are done, I am laid off of work until school starts in the fall, I can chill out and just relax. My weight is my only issue right now. Putting weight aside, my life feels wonderful! I am so proud of myself. I feel I have grown SO MUCH! I have been sober for 40 months, I went from living on couches at friends' houses to holding up my own household, from not paying my bills and wasting all of my money to having not only a checking account with a small balance but also a Christmas Club account and a Vacation account. (Thank you tax return!) I have gone from not committing myself in taking care of anything to having a child and taking care of everything by myself. I am realizing how many things I have to be proud of myself for. I am such a strong person and whether or not my dad thinks I'm a fat waste of space or whether I get "fat chick' looks from people I don't know, I am a great, resiliant woman and I am learning to love myself again.

I have gotten up early (earlier than when I was working thanks to a certain little someone!) every day this week. Yesterday I was up by 6am and took Ben to daycare, then breakfast with my aunt Nancie, then off to the unemployment office. I got some cleaning done, and took Ben to see Shrek 4 3D. Loved it! He is such a good boy, he sat through the whole thing, I think the 3D aspect was awesome and added so much to the experience. Then we went and bought flowers for the deck. This morning he woke me up at 5:30am and we were out the door by 7. I dropped him at daycare and by 9:30am I was done with the laundramat, the bank, going around paying the bills.. (I am a cash only girl, it has helped me turn down my spending habits immensely) and now that I am home I am relaxing, soon I will do my 15 minute houseblessing (see flylady.net). I am taking Ben on vacation soon and it is going to be so fun! The aquarium and the zoo and a nice hotel room with a pool.... AAAHHHHHH, our first vacation and my first vacation in about 4-5 years.

keeping my head up

I am managing to keep my head above water even though a have been bombarded with stressors this past week. I have 4 exams in the next 2 weeks. I have work as usual, school as usual, not enough time with Ben as usual.. I am awaiting my Gyn appointment so that we can find out why I have been having an almost month long time of the month for the third month in a row. (yes, hell it is.) On friday afternoon after my shower during my weekly self exam, I found it. A lump in my breast. Not like anything I've felt before like a cyst or fatty tissue or whatever. This is hard and in my minds eye it looks like a midnight blue shiny marble. I thought I felt something last month but I tried and failed to feel it again. So, at my yearly exam 2 weeks ago, I mentioned having thought I felt something and the P.A. spent more time looking for signs of the lump but she never found it or at least didn't say anything if she did. It seems to have grown, but I could just be so obsessed with it that I know exactly how to find it. I know that I unlikely, it does seem to have grown from pea sized to a marble. Now it's a waiting game. Wait for the appointment date, wait for them to do the tests, wait for the results... wait, wait, wait....

Alone. I am freaking out. I am mostly disappointed in my stepsister because I told her last friday and haven't heard from her since then. She just suggested I get it checked out and keep her updated, you know... all the things you say to someone when you don't really care but care just enough to try to say the right things.

I have been made to feel like a hypocrite in that why am I so upset about cancer killing me when I don't try to lose weight. Obesity and complications of obesity kills more people than breast cancer these days... not 100% sure, but I think so... anyways, if God only gives you as much as you can handle, I must be a lot stronger than I realize because I am getting a bit worn down.

Thank God for my son and my beautifully complicated life.