RTT: yeah i know its wednesday...lol

I love snow. I recently realized that. It makes the air seem warmer and muffles all of the noise. Plus it's just really pretty. I don't even mind driving in it. It has been snowing a lot this winter, so it's good that I love it. As a matter of fact, I think there should be snow all winter long so that these cold months aren't so dark and dreary. God made snow white for a reason, it brightens the greys of winter.

Ben and I had the most wonderful Christmas ever. Seriously. It has renewed my love for the holiday season. I am going to start a decent sized Christmas fund when I get my tax return this year. I think I may even get back to volunteering for the salvation army during next christmas season. I always felt good after serving the Christmas dinner to the homeless in Kingsport, TN. When Ben gets a little older I will definitely need to teach him about giving. I have already started making him put money into every red kettle we pass by. I think my mom taught me that. I literally can't pass one without pouring in my coin change. I feel like if I do, something bad will happen... lol ok, so that's probably just the OCD. I was trying to teach Ben to put the money in and then say "merry christmas, thank you for ringing the bell!" I was slightly successful. He says "Merry ring the bell!!!" LOL

Ben peed standing up today. This may not be exciting to most but I am thrilled! We don't have a man around to teach him. Must be from Papaw or from Grammie teaching him how to pee outside in the snow. (when they are out at the barn and there isn't a bathroom) My ex husband was a sit down pisser and it bothered me for some reason. So, again, I am thrilled.

2009

2009 had its ups and downs. i cant say i'll miss it. then again, when you have kids, all of the years go to quickly.

January 2009 - no job, still... wondering if i would ever find another job. nerves on edge from being at home with Ben all day every day for 3 months and no end in sight. (SAHM's, there is no way i could do what you do..lol) in retrospect, i was glad to get to spend all of that time with Ben while he was at such a fun age. my second semester in college started this month.... the semester I took too many classes!

February 2009 - still no job until i applied at the bus station at the end of this month. It was really cold.

March 2009 - my 33rd birthday. wow. training to be a schoolbus driver. things were looking up and i was feeling pretty great.

April 2009 - finally have my CDL and am driving a schoolbus. My first day ( april 1st) i got into an accident on the bus. actually, i was parked in the bus line outside of a school and some crazy lady was backing down a 1 way st to avoid having to stop for the schoolbus stop signs. she backed right into the side of the bus i was driving and scraped her way all of the way doen the side from the front tire to the back tire. then drove off. that was an interesting day.

May 2009 - loving life. school was almost out and time for a summer off with my Ben. went in halves on the cost of a memorial day cookout at Barbs house. Semester #2 ends with 2 A's and a B. Woohoo!

June 2009 - off of work as of the 8th. school is out. rummage sales! summer school routes start at the end of the month.

July 2009 - working summer school. wont do that again! i could have been making more on unemployment and not had to pay daycare!!! screwed myself. fourth of july was alright. i dont think we went to the fireworks or anything... this month is blurry, mustve been in a depression. gotta love the bipolar.

August 2009 - got a couple of guinea pigs. school starts! back to work and back to college. Ben is gonna be 2 soon... wow!

September 2009 - Ben is 2. school is fun and going well. my house is always a wreck.

October 2009 - my favorite time of the year. lots of fun things to do, especially with the Ryan cousins. apple and pork fest, boo at the zoo, trunk or treats, halloween night, and i'm sure there was more.... house is still a wreck.

November 2009 - finishing up my 3rd semester of school. Bens daycare had their annual grandparents Thanksgiving dinner program. house is getting better just in time for the holidays. ready for Christmas break!

December 2009 - a lot of blessings this month. went to Seans christmas program at St Pauls. spent a good day with my mom and Ben shopping at the mall together, another good day on Christmas Eve with my aunt Nancie and Ben just hanging out at my house all day while I baked for Christmas. Ben and I went driving around every day after I picked him up from daycare to look at Christmas lights together and listened to WBGLs Christmas music. That was a great new holiday tradtion! I lost my mailbox key and knew that my child support was probably in the mailbox so when I saw my mail lady I gave her her Christmas money ($5, but hey, she loved it!!!) she said my mailbox was full and that she had a gift for me but didnt know if she should leave it at my door or not. She went back to my apt (love this mail lady!) and opened the mailbox for me and gave me the gift. The gift was awesome, stuff for Ben and myself! a card with money and signed 'A Friend' . WOW THANK YOU!!! I thought it was strange that I had so many Christmas cards this year... The ones I usually get I had already gotten. So I opened them one at a time and they were all either unsigned or they were signed 'secret angel', 'a friend' or something close to those.... and they all had money... ranging from 4 dollars and up ... way up! I was so excited, blessed, grateful, in shock.. I was wow-ed. and it wasnt even about the money. (which was really great) but about the fact that these strangers cared. everyone works hard for their time and their money and these anonymous friends gave me time from their busy life and even hard earned cash from their pockets. Now rent will be paid on time AND I was able to get Ben a few extras that I wanted to get him but couldnt before. I am keeping the cards I recieved this year and every year starting next year I am going to send one card out to pay it forward. I want someone else to feel this way, too!








January 2010 - UNKNOWN but I am sure it will be great with friends, family and God by my side.

ughh.

I really dont know what to believe. Or how to feel. I have this person telling me that this other person talks about me horribly with this other person and I say no way. I wont believe it. But then someone whom I thought I got along with and have known half of my life denies my friend request. The only link being the person I said wouldnt talk badly about me. At the same time another person is starting trouble by asking people why I am mad at them when I never indicated any such thing. Still another is trying to micromanage my parenting skills. I may be paranoid. I may be justified in my thinking. I cant take it much longer. I just want to get away. I want to be loved by my family unconditionally and I cant trust that I am. Lately, I have been thinking that Ben would be better off without me. I know he loves me. I love him more than anything in the world. Thats why I wonder if being around me is gonna put him in my shoes in 20 or so years. The family outcast. Wouldnt he be better off with a big loving family? Instead all he gets is me. My mom didnt want me around until I had him. My dad never did and never will. The rest is a trust issue that I cant overcome. I think Rob Thomas said it best when he sang


PUSH
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

[chorus]

I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

[chorus]

Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby

[chorus]



I have this voice in my head (no, its not a 'voice' like that) but it keeps saying that I am a horrible person. Over and over. The other day I was really depressed and I couldnt stop thinking it over and over again. So I decided to leave the house before I got too low and go on to work a bit early. I stopped at the entrance of my parking lot because I suddenly needed to find my gas money even though I knew right where it was. When I looked up I saw Sheryl. She had no clue where I lived but was driving to find me because she just knew she needed to. She gave me a gift and told me I was special and I cried because I knew God sent her to me. She saved me that day. I was so depressed that I really couldnt find a reason to keep going through the motions with the exception of the fact that I cant leave Ben. Which is actually probably a selfish reason.

In the last couple of years I have gotten sober and lost everything. Relationships that thought were made of steel have crumbled. I try every day. Every day I try. It just isnt enough.

Anyways. Sometimes I just wanna go home. I am tired of being strong and faking it. I just want to lay down and sleep. Forever. It's okay, though... I'll keep going. I just don't know how most of the time.

E~I~E~I~O

today was an okay day. with exception of the fact that the car keeps dying every two or three blocks from a bad battery connection. it's strange how things just flow all year and work themselves out the here comes the holidays and BAM. moneysuckers. I really dont have anything going on to write about. I have done pretty well with my eating since my meeting and tomorrow is another one. this post is boring. maybe i'll delete it. nahhh. probably not.

RTT

I went to my first OA meeting last night. I really think I will benefit from going every week. Twice a week. The support and the literature is awesome and I felt like I was supposed to be there.

My moms still in the hospital. I pray I dont catch what she had, but even more than that, I pray that BEN DOESNT.

My house is still a wreck. But it's my wreck and I love it.

It was really hard to leave Benjamin at daycare today. He was crying and reaching for me and his face looked exactly like his face did when he was 8 days old and my breastmilk was starving him and he was screaming. I solved that by giving him his first bottle. I cant fix this, I have to work ={

The whole christmas decorations thing isnt working out for us this year. Ben is too grabby hands.
I am supposed to be studying and preparing for my final exam in History. After I get done with this post I am taking a nap. I am just so exhausted lately.

I am very happy that my sister Tara and I are trying to get to know one another. I think I need her and her family in my life. God has reasons for bringing people in and out of your life. I wish I could go spend time with my other sister Tanya. I really felt a genuine connection with her the one time I met her.

Biggest Loser is on tonight and I cant wait. Unfortunately, I have to take my History final after it's over.

Come on people, post your own Random Tuesday Thoughts.... see The Unmom to link up!!!

a new week.

Thank goodness its sunday night. LOL who says THAT??? I do! Ben has been just something else this weekend and my nerves and patience are shot. I hope he feels better soon because his grumpy ass mood is killing me! My mom has been in the hospital with MRSA for the last week and should be home tomorrow. Ben and I will visit her after work and then... drumroll please... I am going to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting tomorrow night at 7. I am really nervous. It's for people with Anorexia, Bulimia, or Binge Disorder... Of course, I have the Binge Disorder... I sometimes wish I had one of the others because at least they look good while they are killing themselves.. No, I wasn't making a bad joke. I really have thought that. To those of you that have been supportive and have left helpful comments, THANK YOU. It's nice to know someone is listening and my thoughts aren't just hanging out there somewhere in cyberspace :)
So, support group is crossed off of my to do list and next is one on one counseling. Ben is still young, so am I actually! If I can get through these issues now, maybe I won't pass them on to him....

the mess

The mess that I call my home is a wonderful place. I have goals to make it shiny and clean with all of the laundry clean and dishes done and toys put away in their designated bins. All floors swept, mopped or vaccuumed. pets with a spotless cage/tanks. Meals premade and planned out for the whole week for convenience and good health. I can see it in my mind. Where things are supposed to go and how the apartment will feel light and airy. It is true that clutter makes for a lot of stress. It just weighs on your shoulders like a physical burden. I could be cleaning right now, Ben is feeling sick and is actually not a livewire as much today. I guess its perfect for cleaning. It's also perfect for a lazy day with a book and hot tea or coffee. My finals aren't until the week after next and homework is minimal. I am officially flat broke, so christmas shopping is done for the year. Sorry to everyone except Ben, you will be the proud recipients of the same gifts as last year, 'stuff I can buy with Link'. LOL cookies, candies and rice crispie treats. (oh, I LOVE BAKING *once a year*) I hope everyone can see through the glamour and commerciality of the holiday season to remember that christmas is about CHRIST. Not gifts and new stuff and stress.

*weight progress*
I am currently trying to find a 12 step program for OA and a therapist for other issues. Opening up and delving into the pits of my childhood desparity will be unwelcome, painful and necessary to move on and get healthy. For now, lots of water and attempting to say yes when i want to say no and say no when i want to say yes.

a little therapy

Ok. I distance myself from others. I really always have, with few exceptions. Unless I was under the influence of something, I never opened up. So now that I am no longer under the influence of anything, I find it really difficult to 'hang out' or do anything with other people. I don't even really care to talk on the phone. I usually blow it off and chalk it up to being a hermit, but I think I really have an issue. I break out into sweats when I have to go around people. I avoid get-togethers. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone. Even my own family, there is a disconnect. I see videos and pics on social networking sites of people hanging out and having fun and I admit it makes me sad and jealous. I want to be laughing. I want to be connected to others. To belong. This problem has gotten a lot worse since I met my father and was subsequently rejected. That's a whole can of worms to itself, but long story short, he has actually made it abundantly clear that I disgust him because of my weight and he believes I am a waste. After 32 years of wondering if he was alive and who he was, I met him and he made me cry. One more man that has made me feel worthless. Anyways, I remember even in grade school I was disconnected. I have to assume it was a mixture of the sexual abuse and the fact that I didn't live with my mom as much as I lived with my aunts and Grandma. I always lived at other peoples houses. When I lived in Tennessee I was extremely independant and I was happy. It seems like being around my family isn't good for me. Then again, maybe it is and I am just crazy because I don't like to be around anyone anymore. My weight is a symptom of a much larger issue. I think I didn't keep it off last time I lost it because I didn't learn why I gained it in the first place. I use my weight as a way to disconnect, to maintain my feelings of guilt and of being a burden to all of those that know me. My mind knows that I am a great person. Thats the hardest part. My mind contradicts itself all of the time. It's like I have an abusive conscience that tells me all day long. ~" You did a great job at (whatever), maybe you aren't so worthless after all, fatass". Seriously, that is a normal conversation from myself to myself. It's horrible. I need to stop. I wonder how.....

Thankful list

I forgot to post my thankful list on Thanksgiving day, here it is :)

MY SON
my home
the view from my deck
our pets
my job
Bens daycare staff
our health
our family
our friends
their health
weekends together
hot jasmine infused green tea
our laughter
our intelligence
my memories of other times
my hopes for the future
electricity and gas in our home
running water in our home
the gorgeous weather we have had lately

I know there is more. I am very blessed. I have so much that the things that I don't have seem so ridiculous. Even though I get overwhelmed and sad sometimes, I know that my life is as close to perfect as anyone could ask for.

Another week has flown by. Is it just me or is time going faster everyday?

I have this "friend" at work... I use the term loosely... and she drives me nuts. Not because of anything she says or does to me, it's really a case of who she is doesn't mesh well with who I am. When I met her, she was a lesbian. Ok, so what, I don't care. But she made it an issue. She told everyone, anyone, anytime, anywhere, whether or not it was appropriate. Her girlfriend was 'special needs' ... well, not really, she was just flat out slow and crazy. Schizophrenic. Depressed. She even blogged on her myspace about how she had told my friend that she heard voices telling her to kill her. (My friend has 2 grade school age girls and she let her continue to live with them... wtf?) Anyways, I'm rambling. So, she broke up with crazy and before she had even left her house, she had a boyfriend. Yes, I said BOYfriend. Then a couple of weeks later she had a new boyfriend. Apparently she found out the other one was a registered sex offender and kicked him out. (Ummm, why was he living with her BEFORE she checked that out?) So, on to the new boyfriend.. he works with us and I could tell he was using her. There was NO affection going on. Ok, workplace and all... but there are vibes usually, ya know. Anyways, I hadnt seen new boyfriend at work for a while so I asked where he was. Oh, he was a coward and just left my key under the doormat and moved out to go back to his (not quite ex) ex wife. But it's fine with me, she informed me, because she already had a new boyfriend.
What is she teaching her girls? That a woman needs to be defined by her sexual relationships? That a woman needs a man (or whoever) to live with her right off the bat? Desperation is okay? Never be alone? What is she thinking? I don't understand people like that. It goes against my grain to 'settle'. Hell, it goes against my grain to let someone live with me or come anywhere near my child. Therapy, seriously, may be required for her and the kids. Soon.

Thanksgiving is thursday for us Americans. A day to count our blessings and be thankful for all that God has blessed us with. Or, for most, a day to tolerate family members that you only see a couple of times a year and bicker with the ones you see daily because of the stress of the... ummm, i dont know where the stress originates, but it is usually there under the surface... waiting for someone to say/do just the right/wrong thing. Eating too much, then sleeping, feeling like crap then going for seconds. Ughhh.. This year because of situations (not bad ones, just a lot to blog about right now) I will be going to a small dinner, cooked by my mom, with just my mom, my son and my aunt and me. I'm okay with that. Then later that weekend, off to see New Moon with the lady that introduced me to the Twilight saga. Thanks aunt Patty! I'm so excited, I love the corny cheese and mediocre acting. No, I really do!

My diet has been a miserable failure. F.A.I.L.

Rudy, on the Biggest Loser is HOTT. Yay for the BL Makeovers. LOL

It would be so nice to find the cure for stupid. People have a tendancy to suck.

There is a funny smell in my house but I can't find it. OMG. YUCK.

I am so blessed. I have a great life and a wonderful son.

bullcrap soapbox.

I am tired of racism. I experience racism every day. I live in a very diverse town but it seems that too many people have a chip on their shoulder. I get dirty looks from people of darker skin color every day. However, if I give a dirty look back, I am 'disrespecting them' and just a 'fat, white bitch'. WTF. Some people would call this reverse racism. That term is a bunch of bullcrap. Wouldn't the reverse of racism be acceptance? Racism is defined by the online American Heritage dictionary as ~ the belief that race accounts for the differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others. This definition does not specify that racism is when white people disrespect black people. It is when ANY person of ANY race, disrespects ANY person because of them being ANY OTHER race. I didn't do anything to anyone to deserve being crapped on because of my skin color any more than anyone else. As a matter of fact, being that I am irish, my ancestors have been shat upon throughout history also. Maybe not as badly as african americans or native americans, etc... but seriously people. Get a hobby and cheer up. Quit being such assholes.

One more thing. I have quite a history of drug abuse in my past. I still struggle some days to keep up my sobriety. HOWEVER. I take random drug tests at work, as many do, and in order to keep my job and continue to provide for my family I must pass these drug tests. I believe that if Americans want to cut a huge amount of cost from our budget, why aren't we drug testing the people that stay on welfare instead of getting jobs? If I have to stop smoking pot in order to be a responsible adult and be able to get a paycheck and pay taxes for these welfare programs, why don't the people that WE ARE SUPPORTING, have to do the same? It's a bunch of bullcrap. If you want to do drugs, get a good job that doesnt drug test and purchase and do your drugs, I don't care. If you don't want to get a job, then do the necessary things to keep that 1st of the month check rollin in. You can't have your cake and eat it too, especially when it's MY DAMN CAKE. By the way, I recieve assistance with groceries and daycare costs. That's not what I am saying is wrong. I go to school and work. I plan on getting off of assistance ASAP. That is the way the public assistance programs were meant to run. For a helping hand, not a lifelong handout.

OK. I'm done.

RTT:

I am ready for this semester to end. It's not that I don't love school, I am just ready for a few weeks without homework. Next semester is math. I am freaking out.

My son is growing too fast. I am really getting nostaligic for my squishy little baby. One of my friends just announced she was pregnant with baby #2. This friend and I were pregnant with our firsts at the same time. Her Abby is almost exactly a month younger than my Ben. Somehow this makes me feel like I am 'getting behind' in life. I would love another baby. I don't want to do it alone again and I am nowhere near at a place in my life that I am even considering trying to meet Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now. I am also getting up there in the years, I am going to be 34 in march. Ok, I'm not menopausal, but I don't want to have kids in the house after I am 60. The way it looks now, I will be 50 when Ben is 18. If I had a baby right this minute, I would be going on 53 when they were 18. Yeahhhhh, I don't think so.

I am watching Biggest Loser. Does anyone elso think Bob and Amanda will be a 'thing' after the season ends? Anyways, I love this show. I wanna go to the ranch and let Bob and Jillian kick my ass. That would be crazy.

Christmas is coming and I am not ready! I really want this year to be better than last year. Last year I was unemployed :( This weekend I am going to get the house decorated. I have a small fake tree that I used last year. I am considering getting a bigger one this year... We'll see how the money situation goes. Last year I baked for others. I wanted to give everyone a little something. Unfortunately, I didn't get anything last year except from Tom, Patty, Melissa and Samantha. ( It was Sams boyfriends gifts and they broke up or something, so when they found out I was overlooked by the rest of the family they hooked me up... and Patty made me a family picture and frame... and Melissa got me some poppycock. LOL don't ask.) I was so depressed and felt unloved. I know Christmas isn't about the gifts. It was the thought that counted. I wasn't really thought of... Ben either, really. This year, I am only buying for Ben. I don't plan in buying much, though because I think it would be best if we celebrated Jesus and how blessed we are instead of getting caught up in the gift exchange. I believe last Christmas changed me, I was so mad at not getting gifts and I was disappointed and mad at myself for being mad and materialistic.

I talked myself out of buying pizza for supper tonight. I went through all of the emotions and was actually talking to myself... yelling at myself. How weird is that? But it worked. I got home and baked chicken nuggets and fries. Ok, still not healthy. Better than it could have been though. I want to lose this weight so bad. Bad enough? Apparently not, so far. I love my life though and decision by decision I can make changes.

new low...

I just feel so helpless and hopeless about my weight situation. After working so hard to lose weight after I separated from my ex husband, I can't believe that I am in this situation again. This time I don't have any other addictions to switch to like I did last time. Which would most likely be the reason I gained it all back plus some. :( I have even contemplated (briefly) picking up smoking again. I would never do this of course because I am proud of the fact that Ben has never been exposed to cigarette smoke. I just don't know where to start! I am so busy all of the time and next semester will be even worse because I have night classes after work, 3 nights a week instead of online classes. Biology 201 isnt offered online or hybrid and I cant learn math online so I had to take the hybrid. Between Ben, housework, homework, and work, I am overwhelmed!!! Add to it the stress of hating how I look and ultimately myself, I am surprised that I can get out of bed every morning.
OK. Anyways, those are a bunch of lame excuses. It is hard but there are plenty of times that I choose to nap or eat or be on the computer or watch tv or do absolutely nothing when I could be making healthier choices. It's like I have forgotten how to live, on some level. This is the most productive and important time in my life because of Ben and working on a career and maintaining sobriety since January 07. (except for the perpetual sugar/fat fog I live in...) I just cant seem to put the last piece into the puzzle. The most important piece. My HEALTH.

random friday (yeah, missed tuesday again....)

why cant i breathe? my head is so clogged that i wouldn't be surprised to find that someone has poured cement up my nose. don't you hate that? i cant breathe out of my nose at all, i cant taste or smell anything, i have a throbbing sinus headache, watery eyes that i have wiped raw on the outer edges, my nose is also red and raw from kleenex, and my lips are chapping from breathing through my mouth. how is it that a nose can be severely stuffed up but it is still leaking like a faucet? better yet.. why does my nose clear up perfectly when i stand up? what is that?

New Moon is coming out SOON. WOOHOOOO!

wow, that's all. i have nothing to say today...

Dear Mr. Donor,

However may I thank you? It is such a wonderful feeling to have spent too much money on spending time with Ben at the pumpkin patch, etc... and then I get a check in the mail from the State Comptroller (child support) for almost the total amount of the power bill I was worried about. So, even though you are a sorry excuse for a father. I forgive you. I like the relationship we've worked out. You are never here for anything. I dont have to share my child. I don't have to listen to anyone else's opinion because unlike good fathers, you don't have an opinion about anything. I don't even need to keep you updated on how Ben is doing because even if I tell you that he has the flu, you don't respond. So, thank you for doing the best possible thing you could do for your son. Especially with your view on women (we are crazy, only useful for sex or sandwiches, and best if dumb), and don't let me forget your warped religious attitude ( Crowleyism, do what thou wilst.. oh, and the satanic looking pagan goat lady with large breasts and the fact that your church mass involves sex? ok, whatever that's all about... To each his own, just not MY own) I would hate for Ben to look up to you. If you were his role model I would cry. Alot. Thank you for staying out of our lives. Thanks for the money, too.

random thursday (yeah, i missed tuesday)

They are making everyone freak out about the H1N1 flu. Ben had it. I didn't catch it from him... so far, we'll see. I am kind of glad he already got it. That keeps me from having to decide if he should get the vaccine or not. Plus, I would hate for him to get sick when everyone else is and there is not enough antiviral or whatever... Walgreens was out of thermometers! Who knows how bad it'll get. Anyways, I pray that we have seen the last of the flu at our house.

Why is it that even when I keep up with housework, school and work... a sick kid or one lazy day can undo my stride? Cleanin tomorrow. Hardcore.

I watch Nancy Grace every night. I LOVE her. Her fiance was murdered by a mugger on the street while she was right there with him. Since then, she went back to school and studied law with her focus being prosecution. She is a no holds barred, tells it like it is, not scared to answer or ask ANYTHING. Anyways, there are so many kids missing, murdered, abused... and not by strangers, usually by a PARENT. Today they found a missing 7 yr old girl that had disappeared walking home from school just 2 days ago. She had been murdered and dumped into a landfill. Today it's a 9 year old walking home from school in a different state. What is going on?? I am to the point that I don't want Ben to leave my sight EVER. Praying for the families of these and other horrific stories. (Hailee Cummings, Kaylee Anthony........)

I came home and put my blizzard in the fridge. Dammit. So much for a cold one after Ben went to bed. LOL

I had my first 'weapon' incident on my bus yesterday. A kid told me another kid had a gun in his bag. He had shown it to him. I turned the damn bus around and took them back to school and had the teachers go through his stuff. ( Bus drivers aren't allowed to touch anything, even if a kid hugs you, you can't hug back... the world has become so cold. ) Lo and behold, there was a realistic looking cap gun in his pocket. He got suspended for 6 days. (no, IL isn't really zero tolerance) In the last week there have been countless fights on the schoolbusses. The police and paramedics were called out to a Jr high bus because there was a fight and one of the kids had a knife. What in the hell are we teaching today's youth??? Or is it just Decatur, or IL, or America... I don't know but I wish I did. I would move in a SECOND.

The world makes me really sad sometimes.

This is only one of the reasons that I hate Walmart (stupid, rude, trashy people) and the main reason I no longer am able to work with the general public (same stupid, rude, trashy people) ~~i was trying to find a parking spot. someone started to pull out about four spots ahead of me. so i stopped. i looked to my left to make sure nobody was pulling out since i had stopped. and there he was pulling out directly at the middle of my car. so i honked because there was not enough time for me to get out of the way. and then this crazy old man with a masonic baseball cap and masonic stickers all over the back window of his newish beige car, gets out of his car and starts coming towards my drivers side window, cussing me. "move the hell out of my way, you bitch." oh, and there were a few "back the fuck up"''s also. so i didnt roll my window down bc obviously this was a case of parking lot rage. so, i just stared at him like i 'no speaka english' and shrugged. when i could drive forward, i did. then the shock wore off and A. i was pissed. B. this man better thank god that ben was not with me. i would have stayed parked right there and called 911. swear to god. but, i had to pick up ben within the next half hour and the police are never that quick. Anyways, i drove back down to where he had pulled out and was driving down the aisle and rolled my window down when i got to his car and (he was still screaming profanity at me, btw) i said to him "i dont know what the hell is wrong with you sir, but i dont believe you have the right to treat me like this. take your medication before you go out in public. Then I left, picked up Ben and we went Krogering. LMAO!!! In the past (pre-Ben) I had no fear. I would have gotten out of the car and yelled and cussed this man right back, literally daring him to hit me and refusing to move my car. I really wanted to do that. really, really, really badly. But, alas.. being a mom has changed me. It has soften my once razor sharp edges. My wild spirit has been grounded... (ok, mostly.. )

Random Tuesday

Ben got his flu shot yesterday afternoon. He was a trooper about it, hardly cried at all! It could be because I am supermom and had made sure that the nurse equipped me with a sucker. As soon as the needle was out I stuck a sucker into his wailing open mouth. And it was done.

Today he is sick. (of course) So there goes my afternoon productivity. We will be here on the couch until it is time for me to get back to work at 2ish.

Shrek is an awesome movie. We have watched it a million times and it never gets old. uhhh, yeahhhh......

Anyone want a couple of beautiful guinea pigs? These piggies require a lot of work. Naww, I love the little guys.

Ben is asleep. I think I will join him.

Random Tuesday

My facebook page locked me out. I get an error message that says my account is unavailable due to site maintenance. FOR 4 DAYS???? and yes, i contacted the 'facebook team' who in long complicated words told me to screw off. So, facebook is an asshole.

Watching Biggest Loser and decided that I don't like Tracey. If you can't excersize they should automatically replace you. seriously.

Ben won't eat anything I cook. Except hotdogs and ketchup.

I still need to take a history quiz tonight. I am SO tired. I haven't even read the chapter yet. Or the last 5 chapters either. Exam over said chapters on Friday. Epic Fail.

I know you are the one that had to have come up with the funny sign outside the flower shop. (Sheryl) lol Or you didn't but it's funny anyways.

Chocolate. umm.

Random Tuesday Thoughts 9-29-09

Here it is, my first Random Tuesday blog.

Too bad my brain goes blank when I am actually trying to think of something to write.

How is it that I can only be home a few hours a day but the apartment looks as though a tornado has gone through it?

I should be cleaning or doing my homework... uckkk, what is the smell that hits me when I open the fridge? I just cleaned it out! *a couple of months ago*

I am currently enrolled in a History class and it is really difficult. Mostly because everytime I start to read the textbook, I fall asleep. I think they should just have us watch the history channel and write an essay on each show. That wouldn't be as horrible. *well, maybe it would*

No, diet soda and flavored water aren't as good as regular soda. Don't argue with me, they aren't.

Toddlers should come with remote controls. At least a pause button.

Fall is GREAT! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!

The biggest loser is on tonight. Jeez, that show makes me emotional. Jillian and Bob would kick my ass. And I would cry.

good times.

birthday party!




we had a great weekend last weekend! saturday was Bens birthday and sunday was the Train Fair. i took Ben to his first train fair in April 09 just because i thought it might be something we could do together. he fell in love with trains that very day. the birthday party was really fun. we had it at spitler woods park. i asked everyone to bring a dish, potlucks are awesome! the only thing that was bad were the gnats flying around everywhere. i dont know what it is about this fall so far but for the last couple of weeks the air has been literally moving with bugs. ICK. anyways, i started a fire in the fire pit with assistance of my cousin Samantha and the smoke from it shooed the gnats from the food. we also got to roast hotdogs and marshmallows. none of which i took part in because i am doing well with staying to healthy foods.. but it looked good. by the way, guess who lost weight?? ME 15 pounds down as of today. only 5 more to go to meet my goal weight for Oct 1st. so, life is going well. as a matter of fact, today i found out good news at work and started to wonder why things are going so smoothly *THANK YOU GOD* but i am waiting for the other shoe to drop... ooops, did i say waiting? nope, it dropped after i left work this evening. damn swine flu has invaded my sons daycare in the class next door to his that often combines with his class at playtimes. grrr... i am already germaphobic and overprotective and have pills for anxiety, what the crap. so i have pulled him out of daycare for 7 days after asking the nurse at Bens pediatricians office what the incubation period is for the disease. plus i am just plain ole freaked the hell out! so far i have been sick already this month and he wasnt so i am hoping his immune system has become all powerful, given that he has been in daycare and off and on sick for a year and a half. i am sure we will be ok... kinda sure...*PLEASE GOD* positive thoughts...positive thoughts...



At the train fair... the only time he sits quietly as if in a trance...

blessed

its so nice to have a job that i like and a nice apartment to call home. an awesome son that makes me laugh every day. good family and friends. i love my red curtains. and my guinea pigs. i have been 'in the zone' on my 'not a diet but a lifestyle change'.i think i even passed my biology exam i took tonight :)the only thing i can complain about is that i am broke. but i dont (never have) cared about my financial situation. when i die i cant take it with me. plus, it gets better every year and when i am done with my degree it should be frikkin great. i am blessed.

guilted

i am so tired of being made to feel guilty. stuff like this makes me want to run back to TN. i called my mom today because thats what i do about 20 times a day for no real reason. i was telling her how i was doing good with my eating and how i am trying to make myself realize that how i treat myself means everything to how Ben will learn to treat himself. and she busts out with a big 'youre teaching Ben how to treat his aunt". im like 'what?' she repeated herself and added that because i spend more time with my aunt nancie and worry more about her than i do my own mom, Ben will grow up worrying about and taking care of Barb, not me. WTF. i told her i was hanging up because that was ridiculous and she needed to think about the things she was saying to me. as soon as i hang up my mood lowered and i felt guilty. i also felt sad that Ben would like Barb more than me when i get old. then i really thought about it and i realized, okay, barb has kids. and i do not spend more time with nancie than i do with my mom. my mom doesnt come over often because she cant climb the stairs and when i ask her to do something she always has to go to the barn or something. but i always call her a lot every day just to chat about nothing. everytime i think we are on track to having a healthy relationship, i get a guilt trip. about stuff i am not even doing! according to her, i talk badly about her. like if she were to read this, i am talking badly about her. no, i am not, if she thinks this puts her in a bad light then maybe she should think before she speaks. here goes another guilt trip. 'i cant believe you wrote about me in your blog!!! now everyone will hate me and it will be YOUR fault'. a lot of things that go wrong in my moms life have been my fault. and you know, its just not true. but in my heart i feel guilty for it anyways just because she thinks so. and furthermore, i call or see nancie once or twice a week... but it shouldnt matter. everyone should be able to love whomever without having to feel guilty about it. except for me. i will spend the rest of my life trying to convince my mom that i love her and feeling guitly because i love others, too. i will never do this to Ben. no wonder i am a fat, psychotic mess.

what I want

in response to http://oscarelli.blogspot.com/2009/09/what-i-want.html


i want 6 more hours each day

i want a laundry fairy and a dish fairy

i want a man that only comes over to carry up heavy things and ..... (lol)

i want a self cleaning guinea pig cage

i want Ben to potty train NOW

i want a lifetime of free, disposable socks

i want my schoolbus to have air conditioning

i want Ben to be a better man than his father is

i want to lose LOTS of weight

i want a tv that doesn't have kitty stickers down the side

i want a car with intact side mirrors

i want Ben to be exactly who he is becoming

i want to see my aunt one more time

i want to live in a downstairs apartment

i want to want more things than i want (?)

i want to always remember the way things are now

i want this sinus infection to go away

i want all of my picture frames to match

i want to get an A on my biology exam this thursday

quick sand

thats what life feels like sometimes. im sure it is the same for everyone. you keep pushing and pulling and struggling until you realize that it is all in Gods control and He knows what he is doing. so you finally let yourself relax. when you relax, ironically, quick sand stops its deadly pull. you are still sinking a bit, but you are much more able to think your way out of it. it is very hard for me to relax in the face of what overwhelms me. however, i haven chosen to give it to God and relax. He will see to it that as long as i wake every morning and give this life 100% of myself, He will make good on his promises. we all know the end of our stories, its all in how you look at it.

no more

i am done being a doormat. i WILL NOT allow ben to be hurt by the fact his dad is an *explitive here*. i will no longer kiss his irresponsible butt in the hopes that if i am nice enough and dont call him on his BS, maybe he will come around. NO MORE. he is deleted and blocked from my social networking sites. he doesnt deserve to lay his eyes on ben. until ben is old enough to ask to see him, i hope he doesnt get to breathe the same air as ben. he isnt worthy of being his dad. im tired of feeling guilty about this situation. i am done with the stress. bottomline is... he has not been present in bens life. ben is old enough to start creating lifelong memories and i dont want his father to come in and out of his life once a year. (last year he gave ben his bday gift 5 months late... and i had to give the loser gas money to get him to actually show up!) he has missed every important day in bens life and now, last straw, he deleted bens pics and put up pics of his new girlfriend. i will not tolerate his disrespect anymore, ben is better off with absolutely no contact from him. as if thats a stretch....

tgif

yay. its friday and my bad mood is magically deteriorating. (or is it the 2 anxiety pills i took?... yes i have a Rx!) today is Bens last day being 1. OMG. more about him on benjaminpatricksblog.blogspot.com

better days

today was a better day. it wasn't hot outside so i enjoyed driving the school bus. it was perfect for driving, actually. it was also very pretty outside today... perfect blue sky with white billowy clouds. Ben has been in a good mood today also. i don't know which of us feeds off the other's emotional state, but we stay pretty well in sync. i'm getting ready for bed in just a minute. 5:30 comes too soon. goodnight!

in the zone

I am SO 'in' my addiction right now. I have known it and thought about it, but tonight i can feel it down to my bones. Ever since June 19th, 2006 when I seperated myself from the man that i thought i couldn't live without, i have been eating. eating and eating. nonstop. i have always been a bigger girl, ever since i was molested as a young girl, (awkward to mention, however relevant)i have been kind of a walking wreck. i have been on and off (mostly on) various types of street drugs from the age of 19 in 1995 until January 2007. I lost over 100 pounds after i left my now ex husband back in 2003. It took me 3 years to lose it all. I felt great and looked great. unfortunately, there is a food addiction going on now that the drugs are gone. i just switched. i am probably more emotionally healthy than i have ever been, but my disease has taken over my looks. everyone can see my disease. most days i would rather be a drug addict because at least then i could hide my issues. i have been fighting buying a pack of cigarettes all weekend. i haven't given in because of Ben. I quit smoking when i was 4 months pregnant with him and don't want him exposed to that. so, instead of buying cigarettes or drinking alcohol, i took my prescribed anxiety pill and ate junk all weekend. i feel awful. i want to be back in Sevierville, TN... chillin by the pond with on old rusty trash barrel on fire, watchin the flames and listening to the frogs and crackling and popping of the firewood. analyzing the music (usually Goosecreek Symphony or Bob Seger) that played in the background, coming from his big ole blue van. i think he may have permanently damaged me. I still can't say or type his name. anyways, i don't feel alive anymore. i am just sad underneath my smile and i don't know how to get my happy back. it took 3 years of bliss to make me love me. i really did. now its been 3 more years wondering what went wrong and how in the hell did i get stuck here in IL again? i swore i wouldn't come back. i learned how to be me in the mountains. i conquered fears and anxieties and stood alone and strong throughout it all. now, i feel afraid and nervous most of the time. i used to live like a gypsy, with my opinions loud and my laugh strong. with no responsibilities. i love my responsibilities. i am on the Deans list at the local community college, have been sober for about 2 1/2 years now, have lived in my own apartment and paid my bills on time longer than i ever have in my life.... i guess i'm in a stable place in my life for the first time. so, my problem is that i want to be me. and happy. and stable. for some reason, i dont work like that. i'm either responsible and depressed or i am wild and filled with joy. if it weren't for Ben, i would be back out on the road, chasing whichever rainbow appealed to me at the moment... however, Ben is here and he needs stability. So i make his life happy and healthy and secure. I miss my life.

long time, no blog

Well, since I last blogged a lot has happened. I did go meet my sister and had a great time. Here's some pics.















oh, and here's my neices and nephews on that side of my family, too...

ugh.

I woke up this morning with the most awful feeling of dread. I don't wanna go. Then on the other hand, I do. I wish this day were over already :(

What to do..what to do...?

So, I met my dad and one sister and her two kids July 13th 2008. My sister is great and so are her kids. My dad, hmmmm... not so much. He told me to stop eating cause i was too big the 2nd time i ever saw him. I tried to be around a few more times but it always ended up being a lecture about how being fat is unhealthy (duh) and how i am abusing ben if i let him get fat, too. He has attempted (only when he first learned of me) to accept me, but i could tell he had to try. Too hard. Plus other things good and bad that I choose to keep private. So, I got a text from my sister Tara saying that our other sister Tanya and their mom will be in town on saturday and did i want to meet them. Yes, Yes, Yes I do! But I dont think i can. After the rejection i have already been through regarding long lost family, it makes me sick and nervous to think one more person won't like me no matter what i do. I mean, I have been through the wringer with men in my past from childhood sexual abuse to rape and being lied to , hit and cheated on. Now, my father couldn't stand to be around me because i'm not good enough or whatever. Mostly, at thins point i just want to be alone and left alone because my heart really, honest to God can't take another hit. So, if i do meet my other sister and she doesnt like me either im afraid it will just prove to me one more time that no matter who i think i am, i am unloveable. I cant do it. :(

2:30 am

Here I am at 2:30am sitting up having a panic attack. My left arm feels numb and tingly...or does it? I feel my heart palpatating...I think. Ben woke me up at 1:30am having a nightmare or something. We layed on the couch for a while together and he kept pointing to something that I can't see and saying 'bird' or maybe it was 'ball'. They still sound alike to me. At some point we both drifted off again and I startled awake when he startled awake. He looked to me as if he were falling while laying still. Both hands extended out with fear on his little crumpled face. I held him tighter as he rolled to snuggle into my chest. By 2:15am I finally got him convinced to go back to his own bed. Since then I have had the most heavy feeling like I am going to die. For those of you that have never experienced a full out panic attack.. count your blessings. My mind goes back and forth with toying with the idea that this is it. Not a panic atack but the onslaught of a heart attack. Or perhaps a stroke. Or maybe the ghost or spirit Ben was pointing to is here to take me. Or one of us, oh God let it be me if it's the latter. I am reflecting on my life, how much I take for granted and the things I've yet to do. At some point I prayed that I could fall asleep only to awake in the morning safely, this wretched night behind me. I took an anxiety pill that I have been prescribed for this exact situation. The writing is calming me down a bit. I just want to sleep and let this paralyzing fear go. Instead, I will wait for the pill to kick in and try not to think of what my mind keeps eluding to. I won't think of how everyday I get closer to death, how we all do and how I can't control anything, really. Instead, I will attempt to mindlessly watch Roseanne reruns on television and try to calm down enough to fall back to sleep.

opinions are like....

i have a friend that is very adamant that she is Christian and a good person. Sometimes I dont agree with her. We were pregnant at the same time and found comfort in each other because we were going through the same, babydaddy/all of my friends left me drama in our lives. We got along really well and felt a renewed sense of Christianity and need to reprioritize our lives. By the time our kids were a bit over 1, she or I was changing. I still don't really know which. I started to feel like her 'fat friend' that she did 'fat things ' or 'mommy things' with. Maybe I was paranoid. It happens. Later she began to be derrogatory towards me. For example, I was getting out of a car and a truck in the same parking lot started backing up and beeping. She actually asked me if that was me. I laughed it off. She says I look nice and compliments me more often. Why cant i think about that instead? I ate dinner at her house and when i laughed at something she said she could smell my breath and it was bad. I was taken back, and hurt. Still pretty much laughed it off. Well, she seems to be coasting through life in her own world. People just hand her things and do things for her. Why? I am jealous, i will admit. i want someone to swoop in and pay my bills when i lose my job or take care of oil changes and when my car breaks down so i dont have to spend any money or take me and ben on expensive vacations and give me thousands of dollars to help me buy a house. ( i think i would like it, then i think of how proud i am for working hard for everything and i dont want to own a home anyways, too much to take care of right now i am busy) anyways, i still am slowly healing from the worst non-relationship i ever had in my life. so i am a bit biased. i understand that. my friend is happily letting a man sleepover, help with bills, pay for outings when she has no intention of ever having a relationship with him. to be fair she has told him that she will not be in a relationship with him ever.. ever. okay, thats what was done to me and it hurts. she admits he said he thought she would change her mind. she told him, no i wont. but she says she loves him but for reasons i will not divulge because they are purely cosmetic (whats that.... stones?... glass houses??) she says she will never marry him. ok, miss christian lady... so sit back and sleep with someone to keep you from being lonely and the money for a cherry on top. i've seen this game. i know she only sees me as a poor, fat, bus riding person, but i have lived far more than she realizes. i see the game. win me, prove you need me, let me crap on you cuz it makes my life better and i can feel important. so he is. and the fact that the person i once thought i knew could be so naive and hurtful and well, materialistic and snobby. i always stuck up for her when people said they thought she acted holier than thou. i said, no, she doesn't think that. well, maybe i was wrong.

reclaiming my space

After 23 months of toys underfoot and crumbs or goldfish crackers scattered about the apartment, I have decided to reclaim my home. When I found out I was pregnant the takeover began. First, a toy. Soon, bags and bags of toys, clothes, diapers, bottles, burp cloths, baby swing, big floor toys for him to lay under, jumparoo, walker, playpen.... it has all come and gone at some point within the last 2 years. I was very sad to see it all go, remembering to cherish not only Bens firsts but also his lasts. Today, as I was cleaning up the living room I realized that all that was left in the living room that is explicitly Benjamins was his books. :( All of his toys go in his room. His room that has recently become his favorite place to play. So, I am nostalgic over how fast he is growing up. Definitely not a baby anymore. Of course, they are always our babies until the end of time, right moms ;) Today I am reclaiming my living room. No longer a place where toys and books are overrunning everything else.... but my living room. Where I can sit and be an adult. I can have other adults over without worrying about them tripping over a toy and breaking their neck. The toy tripping has happened, thank God no broken necks...lol I don't plan on removing everything toddler... I AM a mother after all, he does live here. I am amazed at how wonderful it feels to have a living room again. Maybe I am weird, but I feel like I had become Bens mom instead of Rachel. Its like I got a little piece of ME back. I know people are thinking 'dont wish away his childhood...' thats not what I mean. I have loved every (almost..lol) second of watching him grow. I simply need to be Rachel again, instead of Bens mom.

yeah, yeah, yeahhhh

So, I didn't do it. I had my cable/internet turned back on. I didn't get any more accomplished without it... just slept in the afternoons and couldn't fall asleep at night. But I am taking some good away from this... I am going to be more conscious about the time I spend 'zoned out' and the time I allow Ben to be 'zoned out'. Time to clean out the guinea pig cage. I ended up with wo of them because I thought the first one was depressed and lonely since they are social animals. Turns out I was right. They are following each other around and 'talking' to each other nonstop. Unfortunately, the mess didn't just double with two...it quadrupled somehow!!! Off to clean a cage :)

goodbye technology

I made a hugely difficult decision today. It may not be a big deal to most. I called my cable/internet service provider today and put my account on hold until further notice.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What am I gonna do? No Barney to watch Ben. No VH1 reality tv to get lost in. No Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, or my newest addiction..BLOGGING. I will probably go somewhere with wifi every once in a while to get my fix with blogging. My phone will allow me limited access to the others. It's just a really big addiction for me. I do not want my son to be a tv addict like I am. I was reading some literature...online, of course... about binge eating and food addiction. (yes, that would be me) There was a great article about food and the TV/PC. Then I remembered... When I lost 100 pounds in 2 years, I didn't have cable or internet. I was never home. I wasn't triggered by the commercials. I cleaned and kept busy when I was home because there was nothing else to do. I lost weight because I was active and not just waiting for the next show or reading blogs or playing YoVille on Facebook. When I realized I timed this so that my first day without technology would be a saturday, I almost called back and said 'NEVERMIND'. Oh well, tomorrow is gonna be different and difficult. I just need to keep reminding myself that there is nothing on tv on the weekends anyways. Oh, but the Barney and Elmo meltdowns that are sure to come are the scariest. It is also the most important reason to do this. I was bred and raised in a way that just promoted an unhealthy lifestyle.. sorry if this offends anyone, but it is the truth. Yesterday, I realized that I have been doing the same thing to Ben. It has to stop NOW. Here we go............

Why Illinois SUCKS.

Crooked politicians (dumb enough to get caught)

Board of Eduction just had to approve a budget cut that decimates our educational system.
-no after school programs
-no gifted programs
-major cuts in programs for the visually impaired
-up to 50% cuts in the programs we do get to keep

Major overhaul due to budget cuts in mental health services
-no afterhours crisis intervention
-no more rehabilitation for addicts (detox only, this means an addict may stay a couple of days to 'sober up' but no longer have assistance in recovery)
-no more womens services (this is the program that takes pregnant addicts and assists them throughout their pregnancy to prevent newborn addiction, etc..)
-much more... too much to list (almost 50% of jobs were cut at our mental health center)

The winters last from (lately) October to April.
-Hello to my seasonal depression

I have a lot more, but that should be enough to get my point across.

Right now, I am waiting to find out if I am one of the lucky 2 out of 10 people that are still going to be covered by Child Care Resource Services. This program is what enables me to keep Ben in a Christian based, trustworthy daycare center that he loves and has been going to for over half of his life. (ok, so he's just now 22 months, irrelevant..) If I lose this daycare assistance, I will have to quit my job (as will most single parents)...or I will have to put Ben in one of the low income daycares. (I drive a schoolbus for our public schools and, I'm sorry but my child can't go to anything deemed 'public' in our area. It can be downright scary. Those children- even the preschoolers- throw gang signs, talk about their parent(s) being in jail, curse like sailors and show hideous disrespect towards adults. I know it is not their faults, it's the parents, but I will move out of state before I will allow my child to grow up in an environment like that. For example, I had a bus full of preschoolers duck for cover one day when a police car passed us. Seriously, one child yelled 'GET DOWN, IT'S THE POLICE!!!' Um, hello ghetto ass parents! It was disturbing to say the least.)

I am very scared right now to see the outcome. I try to comfort these fears by remembering that although I am biting my nails over this, God isn't. Gods plan isn't always the most convienient for us, but it is to be respected...not understood. So, I will continue to try to think of a plan B (and C, and D......) in preparation for the worst case scenario. I believe God only helps those that help themselves and so I had better be on top of this, cause I definitely may need divine intervention. ;)

One more thing... Americans need to stop worrying about Brittney Spears or Michael Jackson or whoever... and find out what is REALLY going on in this country. We put more money into ... well, everything, than we put into educating our children. Education of the future leaders is more important than EVERYTHING else. Religion not included, but we don't even get to have God in our schools anymore so I guess..... HELLO! WAKE UP!!! We are sleeping through this most critical time in our country's history. We may rise or fall because of the way our leaders (and media) run this country. If you are one who says..oh, who cares, they're gonna do what they want anyways... please know, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! We live in a democratic society and if everyone cared and did the right things...the christian things, we could regain control of this nation. Instead, we worry about what we own, what our neighbors own, how much more we could possibly own... not to mention the fact that more money is spent on our looks every year... gotta have perfect skin, hair, eyebrows, lips..whatever it is.. STOP IT. Because it is RIDICULOUS.

Okay, I feel better.

GRR

So, my son has decided that he needs to throw a HUGE fit everyday when we are getting out of the car in the parking lot of my apartment building all the way until I manage to drag him across the lot and up 2 flights of stairs to our humble abode. Seriously, what is he doing? He will be fine and happy and then all hell breaks loose when I shut the car door and try to go inside. He screams, throws himself to the ground, noodles (limp and difficult to manuever), tries to run and even twists in fierce circles like an alligator. Why? Yesterday, my stepsister was with me and my hands were full so she walked him into the apartment from the car. He was an angel. Walked quietly across the lot, up both flights of stairs and into the apartment. But today, it was just me and him. And he threw a big one this time. I loaded one arm down with groceries and prepared myself physically and mentally for his attack. (lol) He cheerfully exited the vehicle and then I closed the car door and WHAMMO he screamed and noodles then hit the ground wailing incomprehensively. When I used my 'MOM voice' he responded by standing up and pretending that he was going to go inside. Then off he went. Running as fast as only toddlers can. And my fat but with my 20 pounds of groceries yelling 'STOP!!!!' 'BENJAMIN PATRICK DONT YOU RUN FROM ME!!!' ran to catch him. Thank God he tripped in the grass median of the parking lot. It was just enough for me to be able to grab his waistband. I spanked his butt right there in front of God and everybody. (I am nervously awaiting child services... ) On the way back towards the apartment, he is still noodling and twisting and screaming. A grocery bag breaks. Sugar free grape jam rolls and milk thuds. I am furious by this point. I think I may have used innappropriate language at this point or something because he listened when I told him to 'pick up the jam. give it to mommy. pick up cookie monster. put him in the bag. you will walk nicely into the house or i'm gonna bust your butt again young man.' he whined and dragged all the way upstairs and when I was unlocking the door he laid down on the doormat and kicked his arms and legs. (yes, like on tv. i was unaware that this ever really happened!) When I got the door opened, he stood up and walked inside, yelled 'Arney, Arney!!!! and demanded a drink. OH HELL NO!!! who is this and where is my BABY!??? So, afraid that I was going to lose it, i put him in his room (fun, childproofed room) and put up his gate. Then I called my stepsister and vented and ranted while I put away groceries and started supper. I felt better. But Ben was still having his meltdown and I dont know if this is wrong or right, but I left him in there until he stopped crying. I dont want him to think if he throws a big enough fit, he will get out of punishment. I mean, he could have been hit by a car! I was scared to death when he ran from me. Surely he knows what he was being punished for. Or does he? I dont know what I am doing trying to be a mother. Its really confusing and I always feel like I am doing it wrong. WHO KNOWS. I guess its normal, but its HARD. Thank God I love him so much. Its still worth it. GRRRR.....

God knows.

God can see past our facade and into our hearts. To where our true soul speaks the loudest as to who we really are. It is amazing how many people claim to be 'good christians' and they don't even really know what that means. Let me offer a story. I have an elderly couple living downstairs from me. When I first moved in, Ben was about 4 months old and it was winter time. I bought a bird feeder and fed the birds on my upstairs deck. I used the special wild mix that is shell free so that it wouldnt be a mess in the neighbours yard. The woman downstairs complained LOUDLY and OFTEN to not only myself but the apartment complex managers, even taking this arguement as far as the complex's home office in another state. We didn't speak, we were often passively rude to each other, and it just plain ole was not the way I like to live. Now, I am not a doormat. I stick up for myself to the point of extreme (with very few exceptions). I'm not shy. I'm not afraid to be honest or blunt. However, when the office manager called me and told me it was time for the neighbours and me to have a mediation in the office, I was surprised. I had all of these wonderful plans. I knew what they were going to say. I could feed the birds if I wanted to. Home office declared that I lived here also and would be allowed all of the priviledges that all other tenants had. I was ready to smile and tell these people downstairs , nicely, to suck it. Leave me alone. I was tired of the drama 'yawn' move if you don't like it. I spoke horribly of them. Not really the man, but according to me that woman was evil incarnate. As a told my family and friends of my success in winning my war of the birdfeeder and called the woman some choice names, satan, bitch, hag, etc..., something changed. I started to realize how mean I was being. Really mean. Needlessly rude and horrible. So, I went to the meeting. I let the office manager tell them how it was. They were upset. She was so mad she was stuttering. She really, really, really didn't want bird poop in her yard. So, I waited patiently for my turn to talk. Then I told her I had decided not to feed the birds anymore. That I understood that this was more important for her than it was to me, and I wouldn't argue about it anymore. She thanked me. We all went to our homes. I felt great. I had done the 'good christian' thing to do. These are retirees and they deserve respect. People have so little respect for each other these days, especially the elderly for some reason. Everyone I knew called me that afternoon to rejoice in my 'big win' over the 'evil bird nazi hag' downstairs. One was mad at me. Called me a doormat and was very obvious with her disappointment . She said I let that bitch win. Then hung up. This made me cry because I am always trying to prove myself to this person, (I can't do it. I've since given up). Others thought Idid the right thing, but I know they would've been happier if I had a story to tell instead.
This lady is a good neighbour. She helps me with my plants, even told me I was a good mom. They aren't loud. They aren't messy. I am lucky. The odds of landing a good neighbour in an apartment complex is not in my favor.
My point is.... just because we let someone else get what they want over our own wants, absolutely doesn't mean that they 'won' and you 'lost'. Maybe if more people let others get their happiness, as long as it isn't hurting anyone, the world would be a better place to live in. God knows our hearts. Trying to look cool or like a 'winner' is not what Jesus wants. I am happy that I stopped feeding the birds. I gained a neighbour. Proof that when one door shuts, a better one is opened. The trick is looking for the door, sometimes they are hidden so well we may miss them. There is always good to find in every situation.

time flies

I am currently trying to declutter my home. Its a clutterous (rachelism) mess! today i cleaned the bathroom after work. Next is Bens room, i think. His room doesnt get bad. All I really need to do is put toys back into the toybox. The worst room, besides my room, is the living room. UGGHHH!!!! It is the dumping grounds for rummage sale purchases, all of Bens toys end up there, all my junk mail and paperwork from various things (child support, etc..). Plus, just the random everyday messes.

I cant decide if I am going to give up Bens little interactive playhouse things. Or his little slide. Or his little rocking bicycle. I have pretty much decided to keep the bicycle. The others, however he doesn't ever play with anymore. I think selling his things is harder on me than it is on him. It breaks my heart that I dont have anymore baby stuff after I get rid of those. It kinda shocked me when I mentioned it to my stepsister that Ben didn't play with them nymore and she replied that he was getting kinda old for them. At first I thought, NO WAY. Then I realized she is probably right. Those are more for crawling babies up to about 18 months. Ben is 22 months. How did that happen???!!! I am starting to get baby fever again. My biological clock is ticking insanely loud and fast. I wish it would stop. I am no where near finding a good husband to have a child with. As a matter of a fact, I'm not even looking. Not really interested. Love would be nice, but I hate how it always ends. Plus, it would be weird to have 2 kids with 2 different dads. Not that its a bad thing, I just never considered it. Ben would make a sweet big brother though. And I miss my roly poly wonder... he is a big boy already. Tick Tock Tick Tock.

Now, I need to look around at this mess and think of the whining and screaming that has already begun and will continue for at least 2 more years, but probably more than 16 years...LOL

extremely random

i really wish it would rain. my plants aren't doing very well because of the intensity of the heat last week. i watered them but for some reason i have always thought that my flowers do better with rain.

i just finished reading 'New Moon'. (its the second book in the Twilight series, for those of you that may not know) i read it in 4 days! i have decided that i will buy 'Eclipse' after i get my house organized and cleaned. ughh, i despise dishes, laundry, vaccuuming... you name it, if its housework i hate it! i need a stay at home dad to keep the finances and the house going. applications available upon request...LOL

Luzianne suntea with Splenda is awesome. ~faux sweet tea.~

i am SOOOO ready to have a rummage sale! bens crib, bens old clothes and baby toys, my old clothes.... its gonna be HUGE!

i wish i was one of those motivated, organized people. ;)

there is nothing to write about today. thats a good thing :D

new blog

www.benjaminpatricksblog.blogspot.com

downhill fast

That's where I feel like I am going... I have been SO tired (lazy?) this past week. My brain feels numb and worn out. My eating has been terrible. My son has watched too much tv. My house is suffering (damn the endless laundry). I have been recently longing for the way I used to live. In the sun, full throttle. I was reckless and usually high. No, I understand I will not live like that again. But sometimes you can't control your thoughts and emotions. My new drug of choice is food. Fatty, fried, greasy, sugary... anything that lacks nutritional value will do. When I lost all of that weight 3 years ago, I remember telling people 'I don't eat fries.' and I really meant it. I drank gobs of water and only ate enough to keep my stomach from hurting. I still remember how good it felt to have people tell me I looked like I had lost alot of weight. I looked damn good! Now, my depression is getting the best of me. I feel so gross and hopeless. Basically, I am sick and tired of being a fat-ass. Today's going relatively well. I need to take Ben somewhere fun, though. It's just really hard to be huge and hot and have fun.

what am i talking about? oh, the high road.

i really hate it when people try to look wise and all knowing when it is obvious to those who know them that they are idiots. There is a man i know, we will call him...babydaddy, BD for short. So BD has told me in the past that the true reason he doesnt like being around ben is because he feels as if he is taking away from his daughter (we will call her Poor thing or PT for short.) So PT has a father that has decided to not let her meet her siblings. yes, there is at least one other that he does not see either. So BD is not a christian. i know, hard to believe such a lost soul doesn't know JC..er, um, Jesus Christ. So he has a thing on his myspace that is daily Buddist Quotes. Todays says- Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.-- So, there ya go. Spending time with all of your children will not hurt you or said children in the long run. i know he is not a rational person, he lives under the motto 'do what thou wilst, love is the law' or some crap. its Crawleyism (spelling??) who gives a shit, its not what God had planned for man. if we all ran around sleeping with everyone we wanted and hurting everyone we knew because its what we wanted at the time, this world would be in worse shape than it already is. I know what youre thinkin. "why would i want him in Bens life if he is like that!!???" i dont. i just get really frustrated sometimes. i know that the child he does see every other weekend is really the victim in this. he admittedly asked her opinions about his relationships with women and when his wife left him, he told me that PT was very consoling, and told him 'it'll be ok, daddy'. HELLO asshole! she is 6 years old. she shouldn't know anything but school and clothes and love and hannah montana! so, i dont want ben to model this man who has no interest in being a man in the ways God intended him to be. And, i know. i am the one that slept with him. while he was divorced from, but still living with his ex wife. my bad. i never said i was perfect. but i had a child and i grew up. cause thats what normal people do. they do what they need to do to provide for their children. not just physically, but emotionally. and i still have work to do with all of that. but, why do some people get away with playing and hurting others their whole life while others are left to pick up the pieces? which brings me to God. i grew up without religion. sure, i knew what it was superficially, but not in my heart. June 2006, i found God during a very trying time in my life. ever since i have been trying to get closer to my spirituality and to accept Jesus Christ into my heart fully. it is a lot harder than it looks. i want to join the church i am currently attending, but i cant bring myself to go up to the alter during response to show that i have made my decision. i have some crazy, major stage fright. and i know i will cry and i hate crying in front of everyone. so, i guess my ultimate testimony of my faith will be the sunday that i go to the front of the church, in front of everyone and put my fear behind me. i know that nobody will think i am weird or look badly upon me, its just a serious phobia that i have. (why i could wait tables and talk to huge groups in other situations, i dont know... maybe it was because i was getting paid and all of my friends were doing the same thing...lol) i know this has been a ramble. i am having a hard time sorting my thoughts lately.

what i was going to write about originally was - how different would our lives be if we actually sent everything we ever drafted. i have writted BD several different messages this fathers day, bens birthday, christmas's..mothers day... but i still keep him happy with only niceties and minimal contact. this fathers day, for example, i sent... 'thank you for the most wonderful, exceptional, perfect little boy, ever. happy fathers day.' so, there it is. i wont argue with him. one day i want my son to realize that the high road is always best and that his father has always been in our prayers.

the good life

this week has been... something! i found out a couple of hours beforehand that i was to start a training class for first student bus service from 2-7p monday through wednesday. so, melissa watched ben for me and i went from work to class (gotta love impromptu 12 hour days!) everything went well, little boring, but ok. then they dismissed us and lo and behold...my keys were gone. i left them on the table by my orientation workbook and pen and drink, while we did our agility tests in the parking lot. thank god i took my phone and wallet! had to have the car towed home and NO there were no spare keys. (long story, dont ask) so for the next two days i had to figure out a way to get ben to daycare before i go to work by 7am. (by the way, thanks to Melissa, Mom, Ken and Barb for all the help this week!!!) finally, i got keys made (they were the fancy shmancy kind with the 'chip' in them.. $216) and maureen wanted me to take her to steak n shake drive thru before i went home so on the way home i am going down that road between cub foods and steak n shake to the runnin reds stop sign... and as i push down the brake, i realize.. IM NOT FRIKKIN STOPPING!!!! so the car that is coming at us slows down when i throw my hand up in the "stop your car" position..(lol) and i glided around the curve instead of going into the soccer field. then i slowly and carefully took maureen to her apt and me back home. (both were within a few blocks.) so i called ken and asked if he could take me back to work when he went and then to the class that night, and home, and had mom take ben and bring him home later after my training class.... brake fluid was leaking so ken tried to open the hood to see the brake lines and that wasnt working either. as i type this, my cousin michael is working on the car and hopefully, tomorrow will be easier. during all of this ....

my apt complex decided to repaint all of the deck floors and moved ALL of my flowers and deck stuff into the middle of my living room. when i asked when i could expect to put this stuff back out, they replied that they 'werent really sure'. that was monday, this morning (thursday) i finally was able to put my deck back together. but my carpet needs a serious vaccuuming and im sure i got a few friendly SPIDERS in the house.

ben started new words

grape ="peep"
butt = "bup"

and who taught him butt?? he smacks his diaper and says some gibberish and ends it with bup. so, ummm, not sure about that one! LMAO

work was pretty fun today. i didnt go in this morning, just the afternoon route. ben and i have barely seen each other all week and he crawled under the covers with me and started crying when i told him it was time for mommy to get ready for work. plus it was tornado weather and it was nice to lay with him and listen, so i called in. yeaahhhhh, i know. but this has been a crazy week and sometimes you just need to cuddle your baby more than anything else. i really need to clean my house, tomorrow i think i will get to that. i finally called ccrs enough to get someone to actually tell me that i was approved for daycare assistance, rescheduled bens shots for next week and now, i am gonna lay on the couch.

when i grow up...

After going to RCC for two semesters, I have finally declared my major. YAY!!! A.A.S. in Medical Laboratory Technology. Yes people, someday in the future, when you are waiting on that blood test or urine screen or even your fecal sample results.... when they tell you that they haven't gotten your results back from the lab yet, that would be ME that you are waiting on and frustrated about. me, me, me...lol I have taken too many classes that I don't really need. I don't regret starting school before I knew what I was really going to do, I don't think I would know what I wanted to do if I hadn't just gone ahead and jumped in. So, know I need to catch up on my developmental math courses so that I can get into my required Math and Chemistry courses. I have my Psych (times 3), I have Eng 101, but need Eng 102... I have 2 info tech classes that I don't need, I am registered for Bio 101 and need another Bio still, I am also registered for Hist 111 which will fulfill my Humanities requirement. This is really exciting! Never in my life have I been so excited about the future !!!


Blessings...



The view from my deck at sunset






My pretty flowers






My Ben