soooo, is that a hint???

Well, I have gained back all the weight I ever lost in my entire life and now I hate myself for it. Grrr. Yesterday one of the girls in my study group told me I was beautiful. ( I just added her to my facebook.) Yep, she said I was beautiful and it was a shame that I let it go and that I needed to go to the gym. Why in the hell do all these people keep telling me I need to go to the gym. Do they think I really don't know what I need to do? Like I am sitting on the couch eating and wondering what I could do to lose weight?? To top it off it was in a room full of my whole study group and they were all in shock but no one really defended me. To top yesterday off... Today one of my students wrote 'Rachel is a fat bitch' on the bus wall. Seriously. Fuck off people.

sunday morning

Today is a quiet sunday morning. Ben has spent almost the entire weekend at my aunt's house so that I can get much needed extra sleep and studying done. I do feel a lot better and less stressed out. I really miss Ben though. I don't know how some parents are able to split custody of their children. It will be a long time before I do this again just because the house feels empty and I miss our weekend time together. I am sure I will be a better mom this week because of the break though, it was much needed... as in, for his entire life, he has only spent about 3-4 nights away from me and here's 2 nights in a row.

I also had a realization this morning in the quiet of my childless-for-now home. I realized that I keep people at a distance. I have been hurt a lot and overlooked a lot and I believe that for those reasons I tend to pick the wrong men, isolate myself from friends and the good times that I am invited to, I also keep myself overweight for the same reason. People don't tend to pay attention (at least 'good' attention) to fat girls. I have used my addictions to not feel and to be around others who did not feel. I'm not living, I'm trying everything in my power to not live but not even realizing it. What an A-HA moment for me!