better days

today was a better day. it wasn't hot outside so i enjoyed driving the school bus. it was perfect for driving, actually. it was also very pretty outside today... perfect blue sky with white billowy clouds. Ben has been in a good mood today also. i don't know which of us feeds off the other's emotional state, but we stay pretty well in sync. i'm getting ready for bed in just a minute. 5:30 comes too soon. goodnight!

in the zone

I am SO 'in' my addiction right now. I have known it and thought about it, but tonight i can feel it down to my bones. Ever since June 19th, 2006 when I seperated myself from the man that i thought i couldn't live without, i have been eating. eating and eating. nonstop. i have always been a bigger girl, ever since i was molested as a young girl, (awkward to mention, however relevant)i have been kind of a walking wreck. i have been on and off (mostly on) various types of street drugs from the age of 19 in 1995 until January 2007. I lost over 100 pounds after i left my now ex husband back in 2003. It took me 3 years to lose it all. I felt great and looked great. unfortunately, there is a food addiction going on now that the drugs are gone. i just switched. i am probably more emotionally healthy than i have ever been, but my disease has taken over my looks. everyone can see my disease. most days i would rather be a drug addict because at least then i could hide my issues. i have been fighting buying a pack of cigarettes all weekend. i haven't given in because of Ben. I quit smoking when i was 4 months pregnant with him and don't want him exposed to that. so, instead of buying cigarettes or drinking alcohol, i took my prescribed anxiety pill and ate junk all weekend. i feel awful. i want to be back in Sevierville, TN... chillin by the pond with on old rusty trash barrel on fire, watchin the flames and listening to the frogs and crackling and popping of the firewood. analyzing the music (usually Goosecreek Symphony or Bob Seger) that played in the background, coming from his big ole blue van. i think he may have permanently damaged me. I still can't say or type his name. anyways, i don't feel alive anymore. i am just sad underneath my smile and i don't know how to get my happy back. it took 3 years of bliss to make me love me. i really did. now its been 3 more years wondering what went wrong and how in the hell did i get stuck here in IL again? i swore i wouldn't come back. i learned how to be me in the mountains. i conquered fears and anxieties and stood alone and strong throughout it all. now, i feel afraid and nervous most of the time. i used to live like a gypsy, with my opinions loud and my laugh strong. with no responsibilities. i love my responsibilities. i am on the Deans list at the local community college, have been sober for about 2 1/2 years now, have lived in my own apartment and paid my bills on time longer than i ever have in my life.... i guess i'm in a stable place in my life for the first time. so, my problem is that i want to be me. and happy. and stable. for some reason, i dont work like that. i'm either responsible and depressed or i am wild and filled with joy. if it weren't for Ben, i would be back out on the road, chasing whichever rainbow appealed to me at the moment... however, Ben is here and he needs stability. So i make his life happy and healthy and secure. I miss my life.

long time, no blog

Well, since I last blogged a lot has happened. I did go meet my sister and had a great time. Here's some pics.















oh, and here's my neices and nephews on that side of my family, too...

ugh.

I woke up this morning with the most awful feeling of dread. I don't wanna go. Then on the other hand, I do. I wish this day were over already :(

What to do..what to do...?

So, I met my dad and one sister and her two kids July 13th 2008. My sister is great and so are her kids. My dad, hmmmm... not so much. He told me to stop eating cause i was too big the 2nd time i ever saw him. I tried to be around a few more times but it always ended up being a lecture about how being fat is unhealthy (duh) and how i am abusing ben if i let him get fat, too. He has attempted (only when he first learned of me) to accept me, but i could tell he had to try. Too hard. Plus other things good and bad that I choose to keep private. So, I got a text from my sister Tara saying that our other sister Tanya and their mom will be in town on saturday and did i want to meet them. Yes, Yes, Yes I do! But I dont think i can. After the rejection i have already been through regarding long lost family, it makes me sick and nervous to think one more person won't like me no matter what i do. I mean, I have been through the wringer with men in my past from childhood sexual abuse to rape and being lied to , hit and cheated on. Now, my father couldn't stand to be around me because i'm not good enough or whatever. Mostly, at thins point i just want to be alone and left alone because my heart really, honest to God can't take another hit. So, if i do meet my other sister and she doesnt like me either im afraid it will just prove to me one more time that no matter who i think i am, i am unloveable. I cant do it. :(

2:30 am

Here I am at 2:30am sitting up having a panic attack. My left arm feels numb and tingly...or does it? I feel my heart palpatating...I think. Ben woke me up at 1:30am having a nightmare or something. We layed on the couch for a while together and he kept pointing to something that I can't see and saying 'bird' or maybe it was 'ball'. They still sound alike to me. At some point we both drifted off again and I startled awake when he startled awake. He looked to me as if he were falling while laying still. Both hands extended out with fear on his little crumpled face. I held him tighter as he rolled to snuggle into my chest. By 2:15am I finally got him convinced to go back to his own bed. Since then I have had the most heavy feeling like I am going to die. For those of you that have never experienced a full out panic attack.. count your blessings. My mind goes back and forth with toying with the idea that this is it. Not a panic atack but the onslaught of a heart attack. Or perhaps a stroke. Or maybe the ghost or spirit Ben was pointing to is here to take me. Or one of us, oh God let it be me if it's the latter. I am reflecting on my life, how much I take for granted and the things I've yet to do. At some point I prayed that I could fall asleep only to awake in the morning safely, this wretched night behind me. I took an anxiety pill that I have been prescribed for this exact situation. The writing is calming me down a bit. I just want to sleep and let this paralyzing fear go. Instead, I will wait for the pill to kick in and try not to think of what my mind keeps eluding to. I won't think of how everyday I get closer to death, how we all do and how I can't control anything, really. Instead, I will attempt to mindlessly watch Roseanne reruns on television and try to calm down enough to fall back to sleep.

opinions are like....

i have a friend that is very adamant that she is Christian and a good person. Sometimes I dont agree with her. We were pregnant at the same time and found comfort in each other because we were going through the same, babydaddy/all of my friends left me drama in our lives. We got along really well and felt a renewed sense of Christianity and need to reprioritize our lives. By the time our kids were a bit over 1, she or I was changing. I still don't really know which. I started to feel like her 'fat friend' that she did 'fat things ' or 'mommy things' with. Maybe I was paranoid. It happens. Later she began to be derrogatory towards me. For example, I was getting out of a car and a truck in the same parking lot started backing up and beeping. She actually asked me if that was me. I laughed it off. She says I look nice and compliments me more often. Why cant i think about that instead? I ate dinner at her house and when i laughed at something she said she could smell my breath and it was bad. I was taken back, and hurt. Still pretty much laughed it off. Well, she seems to be coasting through life in her own world. People just hand her things and do things for her. Why? I am jealous, i will admit. i want someone to swoop in and pay my bills when i lose my job or take care of oil changes and when my car breaks down so i dont have to spend any money or take me and ben on expensive vacations and give me thousands of dollars to help me buy a house. ( i think i would like it, then i think of how proud i am for working hard for everything and i dont want to own a home anyways, too much to take care of right now i am busy) anyways, i still am slowly healing from the worst non-relationship i ever had in my life. so i am a bit biased. i understand that. my friend is happily letting a man sleepover, help with bills, pay for outings when she has no intention of ever having a relationship with him. to be fair she has told him that she will not be in a relationship with him ever.. ever. okay, thats what was done to me and it hurts. she admits he said he thought she would change her mind. she told him, no i wont. but she says she loves him but for reasons i will not divulge because they are purely cosmetic (whats that.... stones?... glass houses??) she says she will never marry him. ok, miss christian lady... so sit back and sleep with someone to keep you from being lonely and the money for a cherry on top. i've seen this game. i know she only sees me as a poor, fat, bus riding person, but i have lived far more than she realizes. i see the game. win me, prove you need me, let me crap on you cuz it makes my life better and i can feel important. so he is. and the fact that the person i once thought i knew could be so naive and hurtful and well, materialistic and snobby. i always stuck up for her when people said they thought she acted holier than thou. i said, no, she doesn't think that. well, maybe i was wrong.