extremely random

i really wish it would rain. my plants aren't doing very well because of the intensity of the heat last week. i watered them but for some reason i have always thought that my flowers do better with rain.

i just finished reading 'New Moon'. (its the second book in the Twilight series, for those of you that may not know) i read it in 4 days! i have decided that i will buy 'Eclipse' after i get my house organized and cleaned. ughh, i despise dishes, laundry, vaccuuming... you name it, if its housework i hate it! i need a stay at home dad to keep the finances and the house going. applications available upon request...LOL

Luzianne suntea with Splenda is awesome. ~faux sweet tea.~

i am SOOOO ready to have a rummage sale! bens crib, bens old clothes and baby toys, my old clothes.... its gonna be HUGE!

i wish i was one of those motivated, organized people. ;)

there is nothing to write about today. thats a good thing :D

new blog

www.benjaminpatricksblog.blogspot.com

downhill fast

That's where I feel like I am going... I have been SO tired (lazy?) this past week. My brain feels numb and worn out. My eating has been terrible. My son has watched too much tv. My house is suffering (damn the endless laundry). I have been recently longing for the way I used to live. In the sun, full throttle. I was reckless and usually high. No, I understand I will not live like that again. But sometimes you can't control your thoughts and emotions. My new drug of choice is food. Fatty, fried, greasy, sugary... anything that lacks nutritional value will do. When I lost all of that weight 3 years ago, I remember telling people 'I don't eat fries.' and I really meant it. I drank gobs of water and only ate enough to keep my stomach from hurting. I still remember how good it felt to have people tell me I looked like I had lost alot of weight. I looked damn good! Now, my depression is getting the best of me. I feel so gross and hopeless. Basically, I am sick and tired of being a fat-ass. Today's going relatively well. I need to take Ben somewhere fun, though. It's just really hard to be huge and hot and have fun.

what am i talking about? oh, the high road.

i really hate it when people try to look wise and all knowing when it is obvious to those who know them that they are idiots. There is a man i know, we will call him...babydaddy, BD for short. So BD has told me in the past that the true reason he doesnt like being around ben is because he feels as if he is taking away from his daughter (we will call her Poor thing or PT for short.) So PT has a father that has decided to not let her meet her siblings. yes, there is at least one other that he does not see either. So BD is not a christian. i know, hard to believe such a lost soul doesn't know JC..er, um, Jesus Christ. So he has a thing on his myspace that is daily Buddist Quotes. Todays says- Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.-- So, there ya go. Spending time with all of your children will not hurt you or said children in the long run. i know he is not a rational person, he lives under the motto 'do what thou wilst, love is the law' or some crap. its Crawleyism (spelling??) who gives a shit, its not what God had planned for man. if we all ran around sleeping with everyone we wanted and hurting everyone we knew because its what we wanted at the time, this world would be in worse shape than it already is. I know what youre thinkin. "why would i want him in Bens life if he is like that!!???" i dont. i just get really frustrated sometimes. i know that the child he does see every other weekend is really the victim in this. he admittedly asked her opinions about his relationships with women and when his wife left him, he told me that PT was very consoling, and told him 'it'll be ok, daddy'. HELLO asshole! she is 6 years old. she shouldn't know anything but school and clothes and love and hannah montana! so, i dont want ben to model this man who has no interest in being a man in the ways God intended him to be. And, i know. i am the one that slept with him. while he was divorced from, but still living with his ex wife. my bad. i never said i was perfect. but i had a child and i grew up. cause thats what normal people do. they do what they need to do to provide for their children. not just physically, but emotionally. and i still have work to do with all of that. but, why do some people get away with playing and hurting others their whole life while others are left to pick up the pieces? which brings me to God. i grew up without religion. sure, i knew what it was superficially, but not in my heart. June 2006, i found God during a very trying time in my life. ever since i have been trying to get closer to my spirituality and to accept Jesus Christ into my heart fully. it is a lot harder than it looks. i want to join the church i am currently attending, but i cant bring myself to go up to the alter during response to show that i have made my decision. i have some crazy, major stage fright. and i know i will cry and i hate crying in front of everyone. so, i guess my ultimate testimony of my faith will be the sunday that i go to the front of the church, in front of everyone and put my fear behind me. i know that nobody will think i am weird or look badly upon me, its just a serious phobia that i have. (why i could wait tables and talk to huge groups in other situations, i dont know... maybe it was because i was getting paid and all of my friends were doing the same thing...lol) i know this has been a ramble. i am having a hard time sorting my thoughts lately.

what i was going to write about originally was - how different would our lives be if we actually sent everything we ever drafted. i have writted BD several different messages this fathers day, bens birthday, christmas's..mothers day... but i still keep him happy with only niceties and minimal contact. this fathers day, for example, i sent... 'thank you for the most wonderful, exceptional, perfect little boy, ever. happy fathers day.' so, there it is. i wont argue with him. one day i want my son to realize that the high road is always best and that his father has always been in our prayers.

the good life

this week has been... something! i found out a couple of hours beforehand that i was to start a training class for first student bus service from 2-7p monday through wednesday. so, melissa watched ben for me and i went from work to class (gotta love impromptu 12 hour days!) everything went well, little boring, but ok. then they dismissed us and lo and behold...my keys were gone. i left them on the table by my orientation workbook and pen and drink, while we did our agility tests in the parking lot. thank god i took my phone and wallet! had to have the car towed home and NO there were no spare keys. (long story, dont ask) so for the next two days i had to figure out a way to get ben to daycare before i go to work by 7am. (by the way, thanks to Melissa, Mom, Ken and Barb for all the help this week!!!) finally, i got keys made (they were the fancy shmancy kind with the 'chip' in them.. $216) and maureen wanted me to take her to steak n shake drive thru before i went home so on the way home i am going down that road between cub foods and steak n shake to the runnin reds stop sign... and as i push down the brake, i realize.. IM NOT FRIKKIN STOPPING!!!! so the car that is coming at us slows down when i throw my hand up in the "stop your car" position..(lol) and i glided around the curve instead of going into the soccer field. then i slowly and carefully took maureen to her apt and me back home. (both were within a few blocks.) so i called ken and asked if he could take me back to work when he went and then to the class that night, and home, and had mom take ben and bring him home later after my training class.... brake fluid was leaking so ken tried to open the hood to see the brake lines and that wasnt working either. as i type this, my cousin michael is working on the car and hopefully, tomorrow will be easier. during all of this ....

my apt complex decided to repaint all of the deck floors and moved ALL of my flowers and deck stuff into the middle of my living room. when i asked when i could expect to put this stuff back out, they replied that they 'werent really sure'. that was monday, this morning (thursday) i finally was able to put my deck back together. but my carpet needs a serious vaccuuming and im sure i got a few friendly SPIDERS in the house.

ben started new words

grape ="peep"
butt = "bup"

and who taught him butt?? he smacks his diaper and says some gibberish and ends it with bup. so, ummm, not sure about that one! LMAO

work was pretty fun today. i didnt go in this morning, just the afternoon route. ben and i have barely seen each other all week and he crawled under the covers with me and started crying when i told him it was time for mommy to get ready for work. plus it was tornado weather and it was nice to lay with him and listen, so i called in. yeaahhhhh, i know. but this has been a crazy week and sometimes you just need to cuddle your baby more than anything else. i really need to clean my house, tomorrow i think i will get to that. i finally called ccrs enough to get someone to actually tell me that i was approved for daycare assistance, rescheduled bens shots for next week and now, i am gonna lay on the couch.

when i grow up...

After going to RCC for two semesters, I have finally declared my major. YAY!!! A.A.S. in Medical Laboratory Technology. Yes people, someday in the future, when you are waiting on that blood test or urine screen or even your fecal sample results.... when they tell you that they haven't gotten your results back from the lab yet, that would be ME that you are waiting on and frustrated about. me, me, me...lol I have taken too many classes that I don't really need. I don't regret starting school before I knew what I was really going to do, I don't think I would know what I wanted to do if I hadn't just gone ahead and jumped in. So, know I need to catch up on my developmental math courses so that I can get into my required Math and Chemistry courses. I have my Psych (times 3), I have Eng 101, but need Eng 102... I have 2 info tech classes that I don't need, I am registered for Bio 101 and need another Bio still, I am also registered for Hist 111 which will fulfill my Humanities requirement. This is really exciting! Never in my life have I been so excited about the future !!!


Blessings...



The view from my deck at sunset






My pretty flowers






My Ben

fathers day isnt for 2 more weeks

and thats the kind of day i am having! GAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy effin fathers day..

I didnt meet my father until about a year ago. It is quite apparent to me that he does not like the way i look. Everytime I talk to him (on the phone bc I am too ashamed for him to see me..) I get some sort of 'weight related' discussion. Today was a discussion about not force feeding my son. I DONT. I will admit that there are some people in my family that are constantly letting Ben eat.. I dont. If he doesnt want his supper, then get down and go play. Anyways, I (somewhere amidst 'how to prevent childhood obesity') told my father that I was doing well and that I have reached academic honors at RCC. I dont know if the "well you should" was aimed at the weight discussion or the fact that I was doing well in college. I didnt ask. Does it matter? My father doesnt like me. I dont think I have ever been loved by a man. Every man in my life has hurt me, whether it be through physical, mental or sexual abuse. It worries me that someday my son will leave me... I know he will move out and have a family and all of those things, I mean leave me and not look back.

Then theres Bens dad. I dont think Ben needs to look up to someone that leads the life that he has chosen. End of story.

So, another fathers day is passing. And I couldnt care less.

bad mood

why is it that sometimes you just wake up in a foul mood? its like the day hasnt even got a chance! maybe its from ben being in a horrible mood since friday. maybe its stress. i cant put my finger on it. i know, i know..."i am the only one that has control over how I feel". well, i am tired and stressed and just plain mad. at something. i think?

ice cream, popsicles and jello

these are the things that ben needs to be eating right now. so, i have to be extra strong and stay out of the ice cream and popsicles. (i did get everything in its less tasty sugar free version, yay me) ben has been sick all weekend so after i saw little yellow bumps on his lips this morning i thought, 'CRAP, thats not from teething.' so off to dr. this afternoon. lo and behold, my little wonder has managed to pick up hand, foot and mouth disease. (wasnt that on the news a few years ago like swine flu is now??) ok, dont freak out, its really not as bad as it sounds. a lovely cocktail of cold mylanta (classic so there arent too many flavors combining) tylenol (or motrin) and benedryl. mix together a tsp of each and wah-lahh. every 4-6 hours for 3 days and he should be fine. the worst part is no kissing for 3 days.

tonight is laundry night. i am kinda looking forward to it. my aunt maureen is coming over around 8pm after ben is in bed to watch tv (and ben). i will be quietly reading 'Twilight' at the laundrymat. if it weren't for books, i would never get laundry done! i need to get a couple books on tape for when i am cleaning the house, i dont like being domestic, not that there is anything wrong with those that are, i would just much prefer a house husband (would that be a SAHD?) a man to cook, clean and take care of the kid (or kids if i find him within the next two years, NOT LIKELY!) i am not good at staying at home. im not disciplined enough to get anything done...lol

speaking of getting stuff done, i better stop blogging and get busy! i hope everyone has a great day :D