Home from vacation

I took Ben and my aunt to Chicago on vacation for 3 nights and 4 days. We stayed at the Holiday Inn Express (which is the only place I ever stay because of free breakfast bar, very friendly staff and for its overall cleanliness. ) Anyway, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because of my weight and I wouldn't be able to do all of the walking that the Brookfield Zoo and the Shedd Aquarium required. I did it though, had a few moments of exhaustion and pain but dammit, Ben had a great time and that was the whole point. I am starting my diet today, my goal is to lose 50 pounds this summer. Yep, thats alot and I may be overshooting my ablilities but what the heck. Why not, if you dont dream big you wont succeed big.

Summa Summa Summa-time!

I love this time of year! My classes are done, I am laid off of work until school starts in the fall, I can chill out and just relax. My weight is my only issue right now. Putting weight aside, my life feels wonderful! I am so proud of myself. I feel I have grown SO MUCH! I have been sober for 40 months, I went from living on couches at friends' houses to holding up my own household, from not paying my bills and wasting all of my money to having not only a checking account with a small balance but also a Christmas Club account and a Vacation account. (Thank you tax return!) I have gone from not committing myself in taking care of anything to having a child and taking care of everything by myself. I am realizing how many things I have to be proud of myself for. I am such a strong person and whether or not my dad thinks I'm a fat waste of space or whether I get "fat chick' looks from people I don't know, I am a great, resiliant woman and I am learning to love myself again.

I have gotten up early (earlier than when I was working thanks to a certain little someone!) every day this week. Yesterday I was up by 6am and took Ben to daycare, then breakfast with my aunt Nancie, then off to the unemployment office. I got some cleaning done, and took Ben to see Shrek 4 3D. Loved it! He is such a good boy, he sat through the whole thing, I think the 3D aspect was awesome and added so much to the experience. Then we went and bought flowers for the deck. This morning he woke me up at 5:30am and we were out the door by 7. I dropped him at daycare and by 9:30am I was done with the laundramat, the bank, going around paying the bills.. (I am a cash only girl, it has helped me turn down my spending habits immensely) and now that I am home I am relaxing, soon I will do my 15 minute houseblessing (see flylady.net). I am taking Ben on vacation soon and it is going to be so fun! The aquarium and the zoo and a nice hotel room with a pool.... AAAHHHHHH, our first vacation and my first vacation in about 4-5 years.

keeping my head up

I am managing to keep my head above water even though a have been bombarded with stressors this past week. I have 4 exams in the next 2 weeks. I have work as usual, school as usual, not enough time with Ben as usual.. I am awaiting my Gyn appointment so that we can find out why I have been having an almost month long time of the month for the third month in a row. (yes, hell it is.) On friday afternoon after my shower during my weekly self exam, I found it. A lump in my breast. Not like anything I've felt before like a cyst or fatty tissue or whatever. This is hard and in my minds eye it looks like a midnight blue shiny marble. I thought I felt something last month but I tried and failed to feel it again. So, at my yearly exam 2 weeks ago, I mentioned having thought I felt something and the P.A. spent more time looking for signs of the lump but she never found it or at least didn't say anything if she did. It seems to have grown, but I could just be so obsessed with it that I know exactly how to find it. I know that I unlikely, it does seem to have grown from pea sized to a marble. Now it's a waiting game. Wait for the appointment date, wait for them to do the tests, wait for the results... wait, wait, wait....

Alone. I am freaking out. I am mostly disappointed in my stepsister because I told her last friday and haven't heard from her since then. She just suggested I get it checked out and keep her updated, you know... all the things you say to someone when you don't really care but care just enough to try to say the right things.

I have been made to feel like a hypocrite in that why am I so upset about cancer killing me when I don't try to lose weight. Obesity and complications of obesity kills more people than breast cancer these days... not 100% sure, but I think so... anyways, if God only gives you as much as you can handle, I must be a lot stronger than I realize because I am getting a bit worn down.

Thank God for my son and my beautifully complicated life.

soooo, is that a hint???

Well, I have gained back all the weight I ever lost in my entire life and now I hate myself for it. Grrr. Yesterday one of the girls in my study group told me I was beautiful. ( I just added her to my facebook.) Yep, she said I was beautiful and it was a shame that I let it go and that I needed to go to the gym. Why in the hell do all these people keep telling me I need to go to the gym. Do they think I really don't know what I need to do? Like I am sitting on the couch eating and wondering what I could do to lose weight?? To top it off it was in a room full of my whole study group and they were all in shock but no one really defended me. To top yesterday off... Today one of my students wrote 'Rachel is a fat bitch' on the bus wall. Seriously. Fuck off people.

sunday morning

Today is a quiet sunday morning. Ben has spent almost the entire weekend at my aunt's house so that I can get much needed extra sleep and studying done. I do feel a lot better and less stressed out. I really miss Ben though. I don't know how some parents are able to split custody of their children. It will be a long time before I do this again just because the house feels empty and I miss our weekend time together. I am sure I will be a better mom this week because of the break though, it was much needed... as in, for his entire life, he has only spent about 3-4 nights away from me and here's 2 nights in a row.

I also had a realization this morning in the quiet of my childless-for-now home. I realized that I keep people at a distance. I have been hurt a lot and overlooked a lot and I believe that for those reasons I tend to pick the wrong men, isolate myself from friends and the good times that I am invited to, I also keep myself overweight for the same reason. People don't tend to pay attention (at least 'good' attention) to fat girls. I have used my addictions to not feel and to be around others who did not feel. I'm not living, I'm trying everything in my power to not live but not even realizing it. What an A-HA moment for me!

If there isn't a God, then who pops up the next kleenex???

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 34. Thirty four. thirty-four

It's strange how the years creep up on you. I feel the same as I did when I was in my 20's.... maybe even teens. I think I may laugh less now, but I also cry less. I think that's a fair enough trade. My emotions have stabilized over the years. I am currently working on my social skills. As a person that has suffered from many addictions, depression, and anxiety throughout my life, I am a person that tends to isolate myself from others and the outside world in general. I am trying very hard to get out of my comfort zone and 'live' my life. I think that as that gets better, I will laugh a lot more. Not that I am sad. I really am pretty content with my life. I definitely keep busy with school, work, and Ben... now to rejuvinate my social life. I just want to lose some weight first, people can be so cruel! I don't want to get out there before I am more confident and have some asshole do or say something that pushes me right back into my cave which will make it even more difficult the next time I try. I can't even count how many times a day I get looked at like I have 3 heads. Almost worse than that are the times I get looked 'through'. Doors slammed on me, etc... Not as if they meant to be mean, but as if they really had no clue I was RIGHT THERE. I was off today and so I kept Ben home and we are being lazy. This weekend is full of commitments and well, I guess I am just isolating. At least I can recognize it, now!

March

In like lion, out like a lamb... in this case, in like a lamb and out like a lion. We have actually had warm sunny days this month with some colder, rainy days. I can't wait until the good thunderstorms begin! In other news, I am still getting A's in school and love my job. Tomorrow I am taking Ben to Nickelodeon LIVE Presents! I hope he has fun :)