a little therapy

Ok. I distance myself from others. I really always have, with few exceptions. Unless I was under the influence of something, I never opened up. So now that I am no longer under the influence of anything, I find it really difficult to 'hang out' or do anything with other people. I don't even really care to talk on the phone. I usually blow it off and chalk it up to being a hermit, but I think I really have an issue. I break out into sweats when I have to go around people. I avoid get-togethers. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone. Even my own family, there is a disconnect. I see videos and pics on social networking sites of people hanging out and having fun and I admit it makes me sad and jealous. I want to be laughing. I want to be connected to others. To belong. This problem has gotten a lot worse since I met my father and was subsequently rejected. That's a whole can of worms to itself, but long story short, he has actually made it abundantly clear that I disgust him because of my weight and he believes I am a waste. After 32 years of wondering if he was alive and who he was, I met him and he made me cry. One more man that has made me feel worthless. Anyways, I remember even in grade school I was disconnected. I have to assume it was a mixture of the sexual abuse and the fact that I didn't live with my mom as much as I lived with my aunts and Grandma. I always lived at other peoples houses. When I lived in Tennessee I was extremely independant and I was happy. It seems like being around my family isn't good for me. Then again, maybe it is and I am just crazy because I don't like to be around anyone anymore. My weight is a symptom of a much larger issue. I think I didn't keep it off last time I lost it because I didn't learn why I gained it in the first place. I use my weight as a way to disconnect, to maintain my feelings of guilt and of being a burden to all of those that know me. My mind knows that I am a great person. Thats the hardest part. My mind contradicts itself all of the time. It's like I have an abusive conscience that tells me all day long. ~" You did a great job at (whatever), maybe you aren't so worthless after all, fatass". Seriously, that is a normal conversation from myself to myself. It's horrible. I need to stop. I wonder how.....

Thankful list

I forgot to post my thankful list on Thanksgiving day, here it is :)

MY SON
my home
the view from my deck
our pets
my job
Bens daycare staff
our health
our family
our friends
their health
weekends together
hot jasmine infused green tea
our laughter
our intelligence
my memories of other times
my hopes for the future
electricity and gas in our home
running water in our home
the gorgeous weather we have had lately

I know there is more. I am very blessed. I have so much that the things that I don't have seem so ridiculous. Even though I get overwhelmed and sad sometimes, I know that my life is as close to perfect as anyone could ask for.

Another week has flown by. Is it just me or is time going faster everyday?

I have this "friend" at work... I use the term loosely... and she drives me nuts. Not because of anything she says or does to me, it's really a case of who she is doesn't mesh well with who I am. When I met her, she was a lesbian. Ok, so what, I don't care. But she made it an issue. She told everyone, anyone, anytime, anywhere, whether or not it was appropriate. Her girlfriend was 'special needs' ... well, not really, she was just flat out slow and crazy. Schizophrenic. Depressed. She even blogged on her myspace about how she had told my friend that she heard voices telling her to kill her. (My friend has 2 grade school age girls and she let her continue to live with them... wtf?) Anyways, I'm rambling. So, she broke up with crazy and before she had even left her house, she had a boyfriend. Yes, I said BOYfriend. Then a couple of weeks later she had a new boyfriend. Apparently she found out the other one was a registered sex offender and kicked him out. (Ummm, why was he living with her BEFORE she checked that out?) So, on to the new boyfriend.. he works with us and I could tell he was using her. There was NO affection going on. Ok, workplace and all... but there are vibes usually, ya know. Anyways, I hadnt seen new boyfriend at work for a while so I asked where he was. Oh, he was a coward and just left my key under the doormat and moved out to go back to his (not quite ex) ex wife. But it's fine with me, she informed me, because she already had a new boyfriend.
What is she teaching her girls? That a woman needs to be defined by her sexual relationships? That a woman needs a man (or whoever) to live with her right off the bat? Desperation is okay? Never be alone? What is she thinking? I don't understand people like that. It goes against my grain to 'settle'. Hell, it goes against my grain to let someone live with me or come anywhere near my child. Therapy, seriously, may be required for her and the kids. Soon.

Thanksgiving is thursday for us Americans. A day to count our blessings and be thankful for all that God has blessed us with. Or, for most, a day to tolerate family members that you only see a couple of times a year and bicker with the ones you see daily because of the stress of the... ummm, i dont know where the stress originates, but it is usually there under the surface... waiting for someone to say/do just the right/wrong thing. Eating too much, then sleeping, feeling like crap then going for seconds. Ughhh.. This year because of situations (not bad ones, just a lot to blog about right now) I will be going to a small dinner, cooked by my mom, with just my mom, my son and my aunt and me. I'm okay with that. Then later that weekend, off to see New Moon with the lady that introduced me to the Twilight saga. Thanks aunt Patty! I'm so excited, I love the corny cheese and mediocre acting. No, I really do!

My diet has been a miserable failure. F.A.I.L.

Rudy, on the Biggest Loser is HOTT. Yay for the BL Makeovers. LOL

It would be so nice to find the cure for stupid. People have a tendancy to suck.

There is a funny smell in my house but I can't find it. OMG. YUCK.

I am so blessed. I have a great life and a wonderful son.

bullcrap soapbox.

I am tired of racism. I experience racism every day. I live in a very diverse town but it seems that too many people have a chip on their shoulder. I get dirty looks from people of darker skin color every day. However, if I give a dirty look back, I am 'disrespecting them' and just a 'fat, white bitch'. WTF. Some people would call this reverse racism. That term is a bunch of bullcrap. Wouldn't the reverse of racism be acceptance? Racism is defined by the online American Heritage dictionary as ~ the belief that race accounts for the differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others. This definition does not specify that racism is when white people disrespect black people. It is when ANY person of ANY race, disrespects ANY person because of them being ANY OTHER race. I didn't do anything to anyone to deserve being crapped on because of my skin color any more than anyone else. As a matter of fact, being that I am irish, my ancestors have been shat upon throughout history also. Maybe not as badly as african americans or native americans, etc... but seriously people. Get a hobby and cheer up. Quit being such assholes.

One more thing. I have quite a history of drug abuse in my past. I still struggle some days to keep up my sobriety. HOWEVER. I take random drug tests at work, as many do, and in order to keep my job and continue to provide for my family I must pass these drug tests. I believe that if Americans want to cut a huge amount of cost from our budget, why aren't we drug testing the people that stay on welfare instead of getting jobs? If I have to stop smoking pot in order to be a responsible adult and be able to get a paycheck and pay taxes for these welfare programs, why don't the people that WE ARE SUPPORTING, have to do the same? It's a bunch of bullcrap. If you want to do drugs, get a good job that doesnt drug test and purchase and do your drugs, I don't care. If you don't want to get a job, then do the necessary things to keep that 1st of the month check rollin in. You can't have your cake and eat it too, especially when it's MY DAMN CAKE. By the way, I recieve assistance with groceries and daycare costs. That's not what I am saying is wrong. I go to school and work. I plan on getting off of assistance ASAP. That is the way the public assistance programs were meant to run. For a helping hand, not a lifelong handout.

OK. I'm done.

RTT:

I am ready for this semester to end. It's not that I don't love school, I am just ready for a few weeks without homework. Next semester is math. I am freaking out.

My son is growing too fast. I am really getting nostaligic for my squishy little baby. One of my friends just announced she was pregnant with baby #2. This friend and I were pregnant with our firsts at the same time. Her Abby is almost exactly a month younger than my Ben. Somehow this makes me feel like I am 'getting behind' in life. I would love another baby. I don't want to do it alone again and I am nowhere near at a place in my life that I am even considering trying to meet Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now. I am also getting up there in the years, I am going to be 34 in march. Ok, I'm not menopausal, but I don't want to have kids in the house after I am 60. The way it looks now, I will be 50 when Ben is 18. If I had a baby right this minute, I would be going on 53 when they were 18. Yeahhhhh, I don't think so.

I am watching Biggest Loser. Does anyone elso think Bob and Amanda will be a 'thing' after the season ends? Anyways, I love this show. I wanna go to the ranch and let Bob and Jillian kick my ass. That would be crazy.

Christmas is coming and I am not ready! I really want this year to be better than last year. Last year I was unemployed :( This weekend I am going to get the house decorated. I have a small fake tree that I used last year. I am considering getting a bigger one this year... We'll see how the money situation goes. Last year I baked for others. I wanted to give everyone a little something. Unfortunately, I didn't get anything last year except from Tom, Patty, Melissa and Samantha. ( It was Sams boyfriends gifts and they broke up or something, so when they found out I was overlooked by the rest of the family they hooked me up... and Patty made me a family picture and frame... and Melissa got me some poppycock. LOL don't ask.) I was so depressed and felt unloved. I know Christmas isn't about the gifts. It was the thought that counted. I wasn't really thought of... Ben either, really. This year, I am only buying for Ben. I don't plan in buying much, though because I think it would be best if we celebrated Jesus and how blessed we are instead of getting caught up in the gift exchange. I believe last Christmas changed me, I was so mad at not getting gifts and I was disappointed and mad at myself for being mad and materialistic.

I talked myself out of buying pizza for supper tonight. I went through all of the emotions and was actually talking to myself... yelling at myself. How weird is that? But it worked. I got home and baked chicken nuggets and fries. Ok, still not healthy. Better than it could have been though. I want to lose this weight so bad. Bad enough? Apparently not, so far. I love my life though and decision by decision I can make changes.

new low...

I just feel so helpless and hopeless about my weight situation. After working so hard to lose weight after I separated from my ex husband, I can't believe that I am in this situation again. This time I don't have any other addictions to switch to like I did last time. Which would most likely be the reason I gained it all back plus some. :( I have even contemplated (briefly) picking up smoking again. I would never do this of course because I am proud of the fact that Ben has never been exposed to cigarette smoke. I just don't know where to start! I am so busy all of the time and next semester will be even worse because I have night classes after work, 3 nights a week instead of online classes. Biology 201 isnt offered online or hybrid and I cant learn math online so I had to take the hybrid. Between Ben, housework, homework, and work, I am overwhelmed!!! Add to it the stress of hating how I look and ultimately myself, I am surprised that I can get out of bed every morning.
OK. Anyways, those are a bunch of lame excuses. It is hard but there are plenty of times that I choose to nap or eat or be on the computer or watch tv or do absolutely nothing when I could be making healthier choices. It's like I have forgotten how to live, on some level. This is the most productive and important time in my life because of Ben and working on a career and maintaining sobriety since January 07. (except for the perpetual sugar/fat fog I live in...) I just cant seem to put the last piece into the puzzle. The most important piece. My HEALTH.

random friday (yeah, missed tuesday again....)

why cant i breathe? my head is so clogged that i wouldn't be surprised to find that someone has poured cement up my nose. don't you hate that? i cant breathe out of my nose at all, i cant taste or smell anything, i have a throbbing sinus headache, watery eyes that i have wiped raw on the outer edges, my nose is also red and raw from kleenex, and my lips are chapping from breathing through my mouth. how is it that a nose can be severely stuffed up but it is still leaking like a faucet? better yet.. why does my nose clear up perfectly when i stand up? what is that?

New Moon is coming out SOON. WOOHOOOO!

wow, that's all. i have nothing to say today...