reclaiming my space

After 23 months of toys underfoot and crumbs or goldfish crackers scattered about the apartment, I have decided to reclaim my home. When I found out I was pregnant the takeover began. First, a toy. Soon, bags and bags of toys, clothes, diapers, bottles, burp cloths, baby swing, big floor toys for him to lay under, jumparoo, walker, playpen.... it has all come and gone at some point within the last 2 years. I was very sad to see it all go, remembering to cherish not only Bens firsts but also his lasts. Today, as I was cleaning up the living room I realized that all that was left in the living room that is explicitly Benjamins was his books. :( All of his toys go in his room. His room that has recently become his favorite place to play. So, I am nostalgic over how fast he is growing up. Definitely not a baby anymore. Of course, they are always our babies until the end of time, right moms ;) Today I am reclaiming my living room. No longer a place where toys and books are overrunning everything else.... but my living room. Where I can sit and be an adult. I can have other adults over without worrying about them tripping over a toy and breaking their neck. The toy tripping has happened, thank God no broken necks...lol I don't plan on removing everything toddler... I AM a mother after all, he does live here. I am amazed at how wonderful it feels to have a living room again. Maybe I am weird, but I feel like I had become Bens mom instead of Rachel. Its like I got a little piece of ME back. I know people are thinking 'dont wish away his childhood...' thats not what I mean. I have loved every (almost..lol) second of watching him grow. I simply need to be Rachel again, instead of Bens mom.

yeah, yeah, yeahhhh

So, I didn't do it. I had my cable/internet turned back on. I didn't get any more accomplished without it... just slept in the afternoons and couldn't fall asleep at night. But I am taking some good away from this... I am going to be more conscious about the time I spend 'zoned out' and the time I allow Ben to be 'zoned out'. Time to clean out the guinea pig cage. I ended up with wo of them because I thought the first one was depressed and lonely since they are social animals. Turns out I was right. They are following each other around and 'talking' to each other nonstop. Unfortunately, the mess didn't just double with two...it quadrupled somehow!!! Off to clean a cage :)

goodbye technology

I made a hugely difficult decision today. It may not be a big deal to most. I called my cable/internet service provider today and put my account on hold until further notice.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What am I gonna do? No Barney to watch Ben. No VH1 reality tv to get lost in. No Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, or my newest addiction..BLOGGING. I will probably go somewhere with wifi every once in a while to get my fix with blogging. My phone will allow me limited access to the others. It's just a really big addiction for me. I do not want my son to be a tv addict like I am. I was reading some literature...online, of course... about binge eating and food addiction. (yes, that would be me) There was a great article about food and the TV/PC. Then I remembered... When I lost 100 pounds in 2 years, I didn't have cable or internet. I was never home. I wasn't triggered by the commercials. I cleaned and kept busy when I was home because there was nothing else to do. I lost weight because I was active and not just waiting for the next show or reading blogs or playing YoVille on Facebook. When I realized I timed this so that my first day without technology would be a saturday, I almost called back and said 'NEVERMIND'. Oh well, tomorrow is gonna be different and difficult. I just need to keep reminding myself that there is nothing on tv on the weekends anyways. Oh, but the Barney and Elmo meltdowns that are sure to come are the scariest. It is also the most important reason to do this. I was bred and raised in a way that just promoted an unhealthy lifestyle.. sorry if this offends anyone, but it is the truth. Yesterday, I realized that I have been doing the same thing to Ben. It has to stop NOW. Here we go............

Why Illinois SUCKS.

Crooked politicians (dumb enough to get caught)

Board of Eduction just had to approve a budget cut that decimates our educational system.
-no after school programs
-no gifted programs
-major cuts in programs for the visually impaired
-up to 50% cuts in the programs we do get to keep

Major overhaul due to budget cuts in mental health services
-no afterhours crisis intervention
-no more rehabilitation for addicts (detox only, this means an addict may stay a couple of days to 'sober up' but no longer have assistance in recovery)
-no more womens services (this is the program that takes pregnant addicts and assists them throughout their pregnancy to prevent newborn addiction, etc..)
-much more... too much to list (almost 50% of jobs were cut at our mental health center)

The winters last from (lately) October to April.
-Hello to my seasonal depression

I have a lot more, but that should be enough to get my point across.

Right now, I am waiting to find out if I am one of the lucky 2 out of 10 people that are still going to be covered by Child Care Resource Services. This program is what enables me to keep Ben in a Christian based, trustworthy daycare center that he loves and has been going to for over half of his life. (ok, so he's just now 22 months, irrelevant..) If I lose this daycare assistance, I will have to quit my job (as will most single parents)...or I will have to put Ben in one of the low income daycares. (I drive a schoolbus for our public schools and, I'm sorry but my child can't go to anything deemed 'public' in our area. It can be downright scary. Those children- even the preschoolers- throw gang signs, talk about their parent(s) being in jail, curse like sailors and show hideous disrespect towards adults. I know it is not their faults, it's the parents, but I will move out of state before I will allow my child to grow up in an environment like that. For example, I had a bus full of preschoolers duck for cover one day when a police car passed us. Seriously, one child yelled 'GET DOWN, IT'S THE POLICE!!!' Um, hello ghetto ass parents! It was disturbing to say the least.)

I am very scared right now to see the outcome. I try to comfort these fears by remembering that although I am biting my nails over this, God isn't. Gods plan isn't always the most convienient for us, but it is to be respected...not understood. So, I will continue to try to think of a plan B (and C, and D......) in preparation for the worst case scenario. I believe God only helps those that help themselves and so I had better be on top of this, cause I definitely may need divine intervention. ;)

One more thing... Americans need to stop worrying about Brittney Spears or Michael Jackson or whoever... and find out what is REALLY going on in this country. We put more money into ... well, everything, than we put into educating our children. Education of the future leaders is more important than EVERYTHING else. Religion not included, but we don't even get to have God in our schools anymore so I guess..... HELLO! WAKE UP!!! We are sleeping through this most critical time in our country's history. We may rise or fall because of the way our leaders (and media) run this country. If you are one who says..oh, who cares, they're gonna do what they want anyways... please know, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! We live in a democratic society and if everyone cared and did the right things...the christian things, we could regain control of this nation. Instead, we worry about what we own, what our neighbors own, how much more we could possibly own... not to mention the fact that more money is spent on our looks every year... gotta have perfect skin, hair, eyebrows, lips..whatever it is.. STOP IT. Because it is RIDICULOUS.

Okay, I feel better.

GRR

So, my son has decided that he needs to throw a HUGE fit everyday when we are getting out of the car in the parking lot of my apartment building all the way until I manage to drag him across the lot and up 2 flights of stairs to our humble abode. Seriously, what is he doing? He will be fine and happy and then all hell breaks loose when I shut the car door and try to go inside. He screams, throws himself to the ground, noodles (limp and difficult to manuever), tries to run and even twists in fierce circles like an alligator. Why? Yesterday, my stepsister was with me and my hands were full so she walked him into the apartment from the car. He was an angel. Walked quietly across the lot, up both flights of stairs and into the apartment. But today, it was just me and him. And he threw a big one this time. I loaded one arm down with groceries and prepared myself physically and mentally for his attack. (lol) He cheerfully exited the vehicle and then I closed the car door and WHAMMO he screamed and noodles then hit the ground wailing incomprehensively. When I used my 'MOM voice' he responded by standing up and pretending that he was going to go inside. Then off he went. Running as fast as only toddlers can. And my fat but with my 20 pounds of groceries yelling 'STOP!!!!' 'BENJAMIN PATRICK DONT YOU RUN FROM ME!!!' ran to catch him. Thank God he tripped in the grass median of the parking lot. It was just enough for me to be able to grab his waistband. I spanked his butt right there in front of God and everybody. (I am nervously awaiting child services... ) On the way back towards the apartment, he is still noodling and twisting and screaming. A grocery bag breaks. Sugar free grape jam rolls and milk thuds. I am furious by this point. I think I may have used innappropriate language at this point or something because he listened when I told him to 'pick up the jam. give it to mommy. pick up cookie monster. put him in the bag. you will walk nicely into the house or i'm gonna bust your butt again young man.' he whined and dragged all the way upstairs and when I was unlocking the door he laid down on the doormat and kicked his arms and legs. (yes, like on tv. i was unaware that this ever really happened!) When I got the door opened, he stood up and walked inside, yelled 'Arney, Arney!!!! and demanded a drink. OH HELL NO!!! who is this and where is my BABY!??? So, afraid that I was going to lose it, i put him in his room (fun, childproofed room) and put up his gate. Then I called my stepsister and vented and ranted while I put away groceries and started supper. I felt better. But Ben was still having his meltdown and I dont know if this is wrong or right, but I left him in there until he stopped crying. I dont want him to think if he throws a big enough fit, he will get out of punishment. I mean, he could have been hit by a car! I was scared to death when he ran from me. Surely he knows what he was being punished for. Or does he? I dont know what I am doing trying to be a mother. Its really confusing and I always feel like I am doing it wrong. WHO KNOWS. I guess its normal, but its HARD. Thank God I love him so much. Its still worth it. GRRRR.....

God knows.

God can see past our facade and into our hearts. To where our true soul speaks the loudest as to who we really are. It is amazing how many people claim to be 'good christians' and they don't even really know what that means. Let me offer a story. I have an elderly couple living downstairs from me. When I first moved in, Ben was about 4 months old and it was winter time. I bought a bird feeder and fed the birds on my upstairs deck. I used the special wild mix that is shell free so that it wouldnt be a mess in the neighbours yard. The woman downstairs complained LOUDLY and OFTEN to not only myself but the apartment complex managers, even taking this arguement as far as the complex's home office in another state. We didn't speak, we were often passively rude to each other, and it just plain ole was not the way I like to live. Now, I am not a doormat. I stick up for myself to the point of extreme (with very few exceptions). I'm not shy. I'm not afraid to be honest or blunt. However, when the office manager called me and told me it was time for the neighbours and me to have a mediation in the office, I was surprised. I had all of these wonderful plans. I knew what they were going to say. I could feed the birds if I wanted to. Home office declared that I lived here also and would be allowed all of the priviledges that all other tenants had. I was ready to smile and tell these people downstairs , nicely, to suck it. Leave me alone. I was tired of the drama 'yawn' move if you don't like it. I spoke horribly of them. Not really the man, but according to me that woman was evil incarnate. As a told my family and friends of my success in winning my war of the birdfeeder and called the woman some choice names, satan, bitch, hag, etc..., something changed. I started to realize how mean I was being. Really mean. Needlessly rude and horrible. So, I went to the meeting. I let the office manager tell them how it was. They were upset. She was so mad she was stuttering. She really, really, really didn't want bird poop in her yard. So, I waited patiently for my turn to talk. Then I told her I had decided not to feed the birds anymore. That I understood that this was more important for her than it was to me, and I wouldn't argue about it anymore. She thanked me. We all went to our homes. I felt great. I had done the 'good christian' thing to do. These are retirees and they deserve respect. People have so little respect for each other these days, especially the elderly for some reason. Everyone I knew called me that afternoon to rejoice in my 'big win' over the 'evil bird nazi hag' downstairs. One was mad at me. Called me a doormat and was very obvious with her disappointment . She said I let that bitch win. Then hung up. This made me cry because I am always trying to prove myself to this person, (I can't do it. I've since given up). Others thought Idid the right thing, but I know they would've been happier if I had a story to tell instead.
This lady is a good neighbour. She helps me with my plants, even told me I was a good mom. They aren't loud. They aren't messy. I am lucky. The odds of landing a good neighbour in an apartment complex is not in my favor.
My point is.... just because we let someone else get what they want over our own wants, absolutely doesn't mean that they 'won' and you 'lost'. Maybe if more people let others get their happiness, as long as it isn't hurting anyone, the world would be a better place to live in. God knows our hearts. Trying to look cool or like a 'winner' is not what Jesus wants. I am happy that I stopped feeding the birds. I gained a neighbour. Proof that when one door shuts, a better one is opened. The trick is looking for the door, sometimes they are hidden so well we may miss them. There is always good to find in every situation.

time flies

I am currently trying to declutter my home. Its a clutterous (rachelism) mess! today i cleaned the bathroom after work. Next is Bens room, i think. His room doesnt get bad. All I really need to do is put toys back into the toybox. The worst room, besides my room, is the living room. UGGHHH!!!! It is the dumping grounds for rummage sale purchases, all of Bens toys end up there, all my junk mail and paperwork from various things (child support, etc..). Plus, just the random everyday messes.

I cant decide if I am going to give up Bens little interactive playhouse things. Or his little slide. Or his little rocking bicycle. I have pretty much decided to keep the bicycle. The others, however he doesn't ever play with anymore. I think selling his things is harder on me than it is on him. It breaks my heart that I dont have anymore baby stuff after I get rid of those. It kinda shocked me when I mentioned it to my stepsister that Ben didn't play with them nymore and she replied that he was getting kinda old for them. At first I thought, NO WAY. Then I realized she is probably right. Those are more for crawling babies up to about 18 months. Ben is 22 months. How did that happen???!!! I am starting to get baby fever again. My biological clock is ticking insanely loud and fast. I wish it would stop. I am no where near finding a good husband to have a child with. As a matter of a fact, I'm not even looking. Not really interested. Love would be nice, but I hate how it always ends. Plus, it would be weird to have 2 kids with 2 different dads. Not that its a bad thing, I just never considered it. Ben would make a sweet big brother though. And I miss my roly poly wonder... he is a big boy already. Tick Tock Tick Tock.

Now, I need to look around at this mess and think of the whining and screaming that has already begun and will continue for at least 2 more years, but probably more than 16 years...LOL