I love snow. I recently realized that. It makes the air seem warmer and muffles all of the noise. Plus it's just really pretty. I don't even mind driving in it. It has been snowing a lot this winter, so it's good that I love it. As a matter of fact, I think there should be snow all winter long so that these cold months aren't so dark and dreary. God made snow white for a reason, it brightens the greys of winter.
Ben and I had the most wonderful Christmas ever. Seriously. It has renewed my love for the holiday season. I am going to start a decent sized Christmas fund when I get my tax return this year. I think I may even get back to volunteering for the salvation army during next christmas season. I always felt good after serving the Christmas dinner to the homeless in Kingsport, TN. When Ben gets a little older I will definitely need to teach him about giving. I have already started making him put money into every red kettle we pass by. I think my mom taught me that. I literally can't pass one without pouring in my coin change. I feel like if I do, something bad will happen... lol ok, so that's probably just the OCD. I was trying to teach Ben to put the money in and then say "merry christmas, thank you for ringing the bell!" I was slightly successful. He says "Merry ring the bell!!!" LOL
Ben peed standing up today. This may not be exciting to most but I am thrilled! We don't have a man around to teach him. Must be from Papaw or from Grammie teaching him how to pee outside in the snow. (when they are out at the barn and there isn't a bathroom) My ex husband was a sit down pisser and it bothered me for some reason. So, again, I am thrilled.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
2009
2009 had its ups and downs. i cant say i'll miss it. then again, when you have kids, all of the years go to quickly.
January 2009 - no job, still... wondering if i would ever find another job. nerves on edge from being at home with Ben all day every day for 3 months and no end in sight. (SAHM's, there is no way i could do what you do..lol) in retrospect, i was glad to get to spend all of that time with Ben while he was at such a fun age. my second semester in college started this month.... the semester I took too many classes!
February 2009 - still no job until i applied at the bus station at the end of this month. It was really cold.
March 2009 - my 33rd birthday. wow. training to be a schoolbus driver. things were looking up and i was feeling pretty great.
April 2009 - finally have my CDL and am driving a schoolbus. My first day ( april 1st) i got into an accident on the bus. actually, i was parked in the bus line outside of a school and some crazy lady was backing down a 1 way st to avoid having to stop for the schoolbus stop signs. she backed right into the side of the bus i was driving and scraped her way all of the way doen the side from the front tire to the back tire. then drove off. that was an interesting day.
May 2009 - loving life. school was almost out and time for a summer off with my Ben. went in halves on the cost of a memorial day cookout at Barbs house. Semester #2 ends with 2 A's and a B. Woohoo!
June 2009 - off of work as of the 8th. school is out. rummage sales! summer school routes start at the end of the month.
July 2009 - working summer school. wont do that again! i could have been making more on unemployment and not had to pay daycare!!! screwed myself. fourth of july was alright. i dont think we went to the fireworks or anything... this month is blurry, mustve been in a depression. gotta love the bipolar.
August 2009 - got a couple of guinea pigs. school starts! back to work and back to college. Ben is gonna be 2 soon... wow!
September 2009 - Ben is 2. school is fun and going well. my house is always a wreck.
October 2009 - my favorite time of the year. lots of fun things to do, especially with the Ryan cousins. apple and pork fest, boo at the zoo, trunk or treats, halloween night, and i'm sure there was more.... house is still a wreck.
November 2009 - finishing up my 3rd semester of school. Bens daycare had their annual grandparents Thanksgiving dinner program. house is getting better just in time for the holidays. ready for Christmas break!
December 2009 - a lot of blessings this month. went to Seans christmas program at St Pauls. spent a good day with my mom and Ben shopping at the mall together, another good day on Christmas Eve with my aunt Nancie and Ben just hanging out at my house all day while I baked for Christmas. Ben and I went driving around every day after I picked him up from daycare to look at Christmas lights together and listened to WBGLs Christmas music. That was a great new holiday tradtion! I lost my mailbox key and knew that my child support was probably in the mailbox so when I saw my mail lady I gave her her Christmas money ($5, but hey, she loved it!!!) she said my mailbox was full and that she had a gift for me but didnt know if she should leave it at my door or not. She went back to my apt (love this mail lady!) and opened the mailbox for me and gave me the gift. The gift was awesome, stuff for Ben and myself! a card with money and signed 'A Friend' . WOW THANK YOU!!! I thought it was strange that I had so many Christmas cards this year... The ones I usually get I had already gotten. So I opened them one at a time and they were all either unsigned or they were signed 'secret angel', 'a friend' or something close to those.... and they all had money... ranging from 4 dollars and up ... way up! I was so excited, blessed, grateful, in shock.. I was wow-ed. and it wasnt even about the money. (which was really great) but about the fact that these strangers cared. everyone works hard for their time and their money and these anonymous friends gave me time from their busy life and even hard earned cash from their pockets. Now rent will be paid on time AND I was able to get Ben a few extras that I wanted to get him but couldnt before. I am keeping the cards I recieved this year and every year starting next year I am going to send one card out to pay it forward. I want someone else to feel this way, too!
January 2010 - UNKNOWN but I am sure it will be great with friends, family and God by my side.
January 2009 - no job, still... wondering if i would ever find another job. nerves on edge from being at home with Ben all day every day for 3 months and no end in sight. (SAHM's, there is no way i could do what you do..lol) in retrospect, i was glad to get to spend all of that time with Ben while he was at such a fun age. my second semester in college started this month.... the semester I took too many classes!
February 2009 - still no job until i applied at the bus station at the end of this month. It was really cold.
March 2009 - my 33rd birthday. wow. training to be a schoolbus driver. things were looking up and i was feeling pretty great.
April 2009 - finally have my CDL and am driving a schoolbus. My first day ( april 1st) i got into an accident on the bus. actually, i was parked in the bus line outside of a school and some crazy lady was backing down a 1 way st to avoid having to stop for the schoolbus stop signs. she backed right into the side of the bus i was driving and scraped her way all of the way doen the side from the front tire to the back tire. then drove off. that was an interesting day.
May 2009 - loving life. school was almost out and time for a summer off with my Ben. went in halves on the cost of a memorial day cookout at Barbs house. Semester #2 ends with 2 A's and a B. Woohoo!
June 2009 - off of work as of the 8th. school is out. rummage sales! summer school routes start at the end of the month.
July 2009 - working summer school. wont do that again! i could have been making more on unemployment and not had to pay daycare!!! screwed myself. fourth of july was alright. i dont think we went to the fireworks or anything... this month is blurry, mustve been in a depression. gotta love the bipolar.
August 2009 - got a couple of guinea pigs. school starts! back to work and back to college. Ben is gonna be 2 soon... wow!
September 2009 - Ben is 2. school is fun and going well. my house is always a wreck.
October 2009 - my favorite time of the year. lots of fun things to do, especially with the Ryan cousins. apple and pork fest, boo at the zoo, trunk or treats, halloween night, and i'm sure there was more.... house is still a wreck.
November 2009 - finishing up my 3rd semester of school. Bens daycare had their annual grandparents Thanksgiving dinner program. house is getting better just in time for the holidays. ready for Christmas break!
December 2009 - a lot of blessings this month. went to Seans christmas program at St Pauls. spent a good day with my mom and Ben shopping at the mall together, another good day on Christmas Eve with my aunt Nancie and Ben just hanging out at my house all day while I baked for Christmas. Ben and I went driving around every day after I picked him up from daycare to look at Christmas lights together and listened to WBGLs Christmas music. That was a great new holiday tradtion! I lost my mailbox key and knew that my child support was probably in the mailbox so when I saw my mail lady I gave her her Christmas money ($5, but hey, she loved it!!!) she said my mailbox was full and that she had a gift for me but didnt know if she should leave it at my door or not. She went back to my apt (love this mail lady!) and opened the mailbox for me and gave me the gift. The gift was awesome, stuff for Ben and myself! a card with money and signed 'A Friend' . WOW THANK YOU!!! I thought it was strange that I had so many Christmas cards this year... The ones I usually get I had already gotten. So I opened them one at a time and they were all either unsigned or they were signed 'secret angel', 'a friend' or something close to those.... and they all had money... ranging from 4 dollars and up ... way up! I was so excited, blessed, grateful, in shock.. I was wow-ed. and it wasnt even about the money. (which was really great) but about the fact that these strangers cared. everyone works hard for their time and their money and these anonymous friends gave me time from their busy life and even hard earned cash from their pockets. Now rent will be paid on time AND I was able to get Ben a few extras that I wanted to get him but couldnt before. I am keeping the cards I recieved this year and every year starting next year I am going to send one card out to pay it forward. I want someone else to feel this way, too!
January 2010 - UNKNOWN but I am sure it will be great with friends, family and God by my side.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
ughh.
I really dont know what to believe. Or how to feel. I have this person telling me that this other person talks about me horribly with this other person and I say no way. I wont believe it. But then someone whom I thought I got along with and have known half of my life denies my friend request. The only link being the person I said wouldnt talk badly about me. At the same time another person is starting trouble by asking people why I am mad at them when I never indicated any such thing. Still another is trying to micromanage my parenting skills. I may be paranoid. I may be justified in my thinking. I cant take it much longer. I just want to get away. I want to be loved by my family unconditionally and I cant trust that I am. Lately, I have been thinking that Ben would be better off without me. I know he loves me. I love him more than anything in the world. Thats why I wonder if being around me is gonna put him in my shoes in 20 or so years. The family outcast. Wouldnt he be better off with a big loving family? Instead all he gets is me. My mom didnt want me around until I had him. My dad never did and never will. The rest is a trust issue that I cant overcome. I think Rob Thomas said it best when he sang
PUSH
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well
This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good
[chorus]
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will
She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well
Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all
[chorus]
Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby
[chorus]
I have this voice in my head (no, its not a 'voice' like that) but it keeps saying that I am a horrible person. Over and over. The other day I was really depressed and I couldnt stop thinking it over and over again. So I decided to leave the house before I got too low and go on to work a bit early. I stopped at the entrance of my parking lot because I suddenly needed to find my gas money even though I knew right where it was. When I looked up I saw Sheryl. She had no clue where I lived but was driving to find me because she just knew she needed to. She gave me a gift and told me I was special and I cried because I knew God sent her to me. She saved me that day. I was so depressed that I really couldnt find a reason to keep going through the motions with the exception of the fact that I cant leave Ben. Which is actually probably a selfish reason.
In the last couple of years I have gotten sober and lost everything. Relationships that thought were made of steel have crumbled. I try every day. Every day I try. It just isnt enough.
Anyways. Sometimes I just wanna go home. I am tired of being strong and faking it. I just want to lay down and sleep. Forever. It's okay, though... I'll keep going. I just don't know how most of the time.
PUSH
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well
This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good
[chorus]
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will
She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well
Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all
[chorus]
Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby
[chorus]
I have this voice in my head (no, its not a 'voice' like that) but it keeps saying that I am a horrible person. Over and over. The other day I was really depressed and I couldnt stop thinking it over and over again. So I decided to leave the house before I got too low and go on to work a bit early. I stopped at the entrance of my parking lot because I suddenly needed to find my gas money even though I knew right where it was. When I looked up I saw Sheryl. She had no clue where I lived but was driving to find me because she just knew she needed to. She gave me a gift and told me I was special and I cried because I knew God sent her to me. She saved me that day. I was so depressed that I really couldnt find a reason to keep going through the motions with the exception of the fact that I cant leave Ben. Which is actually probably a selfish reason.
In the last couple of years I have gotten sober and lost everything. Relationships that thought were made of steel have crumbled. I try every day. Every day I try. It just isnt enough.
Anyways. Sometimes I just wanna go home. I am tired of being strong and faking it. I just want to lay down and sleep. Forever. It's okay, though... I'll keep going. I just don't know how most of the time.
Friday, December 11, 2009
E~I~E~I~O
today was an okay day. with exception of the fact that the car keeps dying every two or three blocks from a bad battery connection. it's strange how things just flow all year and work themselves out the here comes the holidays and BAM. moneysuckers. I really dont have anything going on to write about. I have done pretty well with my eating since my meeting and tomorrow is another one. this post is boring. maybe i'll delete it. nahhh. probably not.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
RTT
I went to my first OA meeting last night. I really think I will benefit from going every week. Twice a week. The support and the literature is awesome and I felt like I was supposed to be there.
My moms still in the hospital. I pray I dont catch what she had, but even more than that, I pray that BEN DOESNT.
My house is still a wreck. But it's my wreck and I love it.
It was really hard to leave Benjamin at daycare today. He was crying and reaching for me and his face looked exactly like his face did when he was 8 days old and my breastmilk was starving him and he was screaming. I solved that by giving him his first bottle. I cant fix this, I have to work ={
The whole christmas decorations thing isnt working out for us this year. Ben is too grabby hands.
I am supposed to be studying and preparing for my final exam in History. After I get done with this post I am taking a nap. I am just so exhausted lately.
I am very happy that my sister Tara and I are trying to get to know one another. I think I need her and her family in my life. God has reasons for bringing people in and out of your life. I wish I could go spend time with my other sister Tanya. I really felt a genuine connection with her the one time I met her.
Biggest Loser is on tonight and I cant wait. Unfortunately, I have to take my History final after it's over.
Come on people, post your own Random Tuesday Thoughts.... see The Unmom to link up!!!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
a new week.
Thank goodness its sunday night. LOL who says THAT??? I do! Ben has been just something else this weekend and my nerves and patience are shot. I hope he feels better soon because his grumpy ass mood is killing me! My mom has been in the hospital with MRSA for the last week and should be home tomorrow. Ben and I will visit her after work and then... drumroll please... I am going to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting tomorrow night at 7. I am really nervous. It's for people with Anorexia, Bulimia, or Binge Disorder... Of course, I have the Binge Disorder... I sometimes wish I had one of the others because at least they look good while they are killing themselves.. No, I wasn't making a bad joke. I really have thought that. To those of you that have been supportive and have left helpful comments, THANK YOU. It's nice to know someone is listening and my thoughts aren't just hanging out there somewhere in cyberspace :)
So, support group is crossed off of my to do list and next is one on one counseling. Ben is still young, so am I actually! If I can get through these issues now, maybe I won't pass them on to him....
So, support group is crossed off of my to do list and next is one on one counseling. Ben is still young, so am I actually! If I can get through these issues now, maybe I won't pass them on to him....
Saturday, December 5, 2009
the mess
The mess that I call my home is a wonderful place. I have goals to make it shiny and clean with all of the laundry clean and dishes done and toys put away in their designated bins. All floors swept, mopped or vaccuumed. pets with a spotless cage/tanks. Meals premade and planned out for the whole week for convenience and good health. I can see it in my mind. Where things are supposed to go and how the apartment will feel light and airy. It is true that clutter makes for a lot of stress. It just weighs on your shoulders like a physical burden. I could be cleaning right now, Ben is feeling sick and is actually not a livewire as much today. I guess its perfect for cleaning. It's also perfect for a lazy day with a book and hot tea or coffee. My finals aren't until the week after next and homework is minimal. I am officially flat broke, so christmas shopping is done for the year. Sorry to everyone except Ben, you will be the proud recipients of the same gifts as last year, 'stuff I can buy with Link'. LOL cookies, candies and rice crispie treats. (oh, I LOVE BAKING *once a year*) I hope everyone can see through the glamour and commerciality of the holiday season to remember that christmas is about CHRIST. Not gifts and new stuff and stress.
*weight progress*
I am currently trying to find a 12 step program for OA and a therapist for other issues. Opening up and delving into the pits of my childhood desparity will be unwelcome, painful and necessary to move on and get healthy. For now, lots of water and attempting to say yes when i want to say no and say no when i want to say yes.
*weight progress*
I am currently trying to find a 12 step program for OA and a therapist for other issues. Opening up and delving into the pits of my childhood desparity will be unwelcome, painful and necessary to move on and get healthy. For now, lots of water and attempting to say yes when i want to say no and say no when i want to say yes.
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