Random Tuesday Thoughts 9-29-09

Here it is, my first Random Tuesday blog.

Too bad my brain goes blank when I am actually trying to think of something to write.

How is it that I can only be home a few hours a day but the apartment looks as though a tornado has gone through it?

I should be cleaning or doing my homework... uckkk, what is the smell that hits me when I open the fridge? I just cleaned it out! *a couple of months ago*

I am currently enrolled in a History class and it is really difficult. Mostly because everytime I start to read the textbook, I fall asleep. I think they should just have us watch the history channel and write an essay on each show. That wouldn't be as horrible. *well, maybe it would*

No, diet soda and flavored water aren't as good as regular soda. Don't argue with me, they aren't.

Toddlers should come with remote controls. At least a pause button.

Fall is GREAT! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!

The biggest loser is on tonight. Jeez, that show makes me emotional. Jillian and Bob would kick my ass. And I would cry.

good times.

birthday party!




we had a great weekend last weekend! saturday was Bens birthday and sunday was the Train Fair. i took Ben to his first train fair in April 09 just because i thought it might be something we could do together. he fell in love with trains that very day. the birthday party was really fun. we had it at spitler woods park. i asked everyone to bring a dish, potlucks are awesome! the only thing that was bad were the gnats flying around everywhere. i dont know what it is about this fall so far but for the last couple of weeks the air has been literally moving with bugs. ICK. anyways, i started a fire in the fire pit with assistance of my cousin Samantha and the smoke from it shooed the gnats from the food. we also got to roast hotdogs and marshmallows. none of which i took part in because i am doing well with staying to healthy foods.. but it looked good. by the way, guess who lost weight?? ME 15 pounds down as of today. only 5 more to go to meet my goal weight for Oct 1st. so, life is going well. as a matter of fact, today i found out good news at work and started to wonder why things are going so smoothly *THANK YOU GOD* but i am waiting for the other shoe to drop... ooops, did i say waiting? nope, it dropped after i left work this evening. damn swine flu has invaded my sons daycare in the class next door to his that often combines with his class at playtimes. grrr... i am already germaphobic and overprotective and have pills for anxiety, what the crap. so i have pulled him out of daycare for 7 days after asking the nurse at Bens pediatricians office what the incubation period is for the disease. plus i am just plain ole freaked the hell out! so far i have been sick already this month and he wasnt so i am hoping his immune system has become all powerful, given that he has been in daycare and off and on sick for a year and a half. i am sure we will be ok... kinda sure...*PLEASE GOD* positive thoughts...positive thoughts...



At the train fair... the only time he sits quietly as if in a trance...

blessed

its so nice to have a job that i like and a nice apartment to call home. an awesome son that makes me laugh every day. good family and friends. i love my red curtains. and my guinea pigs. i have been 'in the zone' on my 'not a diet but a lifestyle change'.i think i even passed my biology exam i took tonight :)the only thing i can complain about is that i am broke. but i dont (never have) cared about my financial situation. when i die i cant take it with me. plus, it gets better every year and when i am done with my degree it should be frikkin great. i am blessed.

guilted

i am so tired of being made to feel guilty. stuff like this makes me want to run back to TN. i called my mom today because thats what i do about 20 times a day for no real reason. i was telling her how i was doing good with my eating and how i am trying to make myself realize that how i treat myself means everything to how Ben will learn to treat himself. and she busts out with a big 'youre teaching Ben how to treat his aunt". im like 'what?' she repeated herself and added that because i spend more time with my aunt nancie and worry more about her than i do my own mom, Ben will grow up worrying about and taking care of Barb, not me. WTF. i told her i was hanging up because that was ridiculous and she needed to think about the things she was saying to me. as soon as i hang up my mood lowered and i felt guilty. i also felt sad that Ben would like Barb more than me when i get old. then i really thought about it and i realized, okay, barb has kids. and i do not spend more time with nancie than i do with my mom. my mom doesnt come over often because she cant climb the stairs and when i ask her to do something she always has to go to the barn or something. but i always call her a lot every day just to chat about nothing. everytime i think we are on track to having a healthy relationship, i get a guilt trip. about stuff i am not even doing! according to her, i talk badly about her. like if she were to read this, i am talking badly about her. no, i am not, if she thinks this puts her in a bad light then maybe she should think before she speaks. here goes another guilt trip. 'i cant believe you wrote about me in your blog!!! now everyone will hate me and it will be YOUR fault'. a lot of things that go wrong in my moms life have been my fault. and you know, its just not true. but in my heart i feel guilty for it anyways just because she thinks so. and furthermore, i call or see nancie once or twice a week... but it shouldnt matter. everyone should be able to love whomever without having to feel guilty about it. except for me. i will spend the rest of my life trying to convince my mom that i love her and feeling guitly because i love others, too. i will never do this to Ben. no wonder i am a fat, psychotic mess.

what I want

in response to http://oscarelli.blogspot.com/2009/09/what-i-want.html


i want 6 more hours each day

i want a laundry fairy and a dish fairy

i want a man that only comes over to carry up heavy things and ..... (lol)

i want a self cleaning guinea pig cage

i want Ben to potty train NOW

i want a lifetime of free, disposable socks

i want my schoolbus to have air conditioning

i want Ben to be a better man than his father is

i want to lose LOTS of weight

i want a tv that doesn't have kitty stickers down the side

i want a car with intact side mirrors

i want Ben to be exactly who he is becoming

i want to see my aunt one more time

i want to live in a downstairs apartment

i want to want more things than i want (?)

i want to always remember the way things are now

i want this sinus infection to go away

i want all of my picture frames to match

i want to get an A on my biology exam this thursday

quick sand

thats what life feels like sometimes. im sure it is the same for everyone. you keep pushing and pulling and struggling until you realize that it is all in Gods control and He knows what he is doing. so you finally let yourself relax. when you relax, ironically, quick sand stops its deadly pull. you are still sinking a bit, but you are much more able to think your way out of it. it is very hard for me to relax in the face of what overwhelms me. however, i haven chosen to give it to God and relax. He will see to it that as long as i wake every morning and give this life 100% of myself, He will make good on his promises. we all know the end of our stories, its all in how you look at it.

no more

i am done being a doormat. i WILL NOT allow ben to be hurt by the fact his dad is an *explitive here*. i will no longer kiss his irresponsible butt in the hopes that if i am nice enough and dont call him on his BS, maybe he will come around. NO MORE. he is deleted and blocked from my social networking sites. he doesnt deserve to lay his eyes on ben. until ben is old enough to ask to see him, i hope he doesnt get to breathe the same air as ben. he isnt worthy of being his dad. im tired of feeling guilty about this situation. i am done with the stress. bottomline is... he has not been present in bens life. ben is old enough to start creating lifelong memories and i dont want his father to come in and out of his life once a year. (last year he gave ben his bday gift 5 months late... and i had to give the loser gas money to get him to actually show up!) he has missed every important day in bens life and now, last straw, he deleted bens pics and put up pics of his new girlfriend. i will not tolerate his disrespect anymore, ben is better off with absolutely no contact from him. as if thats a stretch....

tgif

yay. its friday and my bad mood is magically deteriorating. (or is it the 2 anxiety pills i took?... yes i have a Rx!) today is Bens last day being 1. OMG. more about him on benjaminpatricksblog.blogspot.com