weight loss

i am a binge eater. i don't really know how to control it (obviously) but i am working out with my Wii for at least 30 minutes every day and i hope exercise will boost my energy which will boost my self esteem which will boost my motivation to eat well which will help me fight my cravings to binge. the last timne my binging was this bad was when i was in an unhappy marriage. i was miserable (he is a wonderful man that has remarried and i wish him all the best... i am not ex-bashing..lol) i moved to TN where i quickly made friends and found a wonderful refuge in my O'Charleys (shout out to Kingsport OC!) family. in july 2005, i moved to the pigeon forge area to work at the OC there (more money + my biggest crush ever in life) over the course of 3 years i lost over 100 pounds and had a great time. good friends, fun nights, happy days.. (oh, but the heartbreak of goodbye ): ) when i moved back to Il, lonely and with a severely broken heart that still hasnt healed, i began gaining weight almost immediately. 20 pounds in 3 months. then i found out i was pregnant. from the first month on, i gained an average of 8 pounds a month. HELLO can you say ridiculous? damn bacon sandwich cravings. sidenote~ no, bens father and i were not in a relationship but had been 12 years ago.. long story, cant go there right now, anyways, i got sober (another long story i may delve into someday), lost 99% of my IL friends because i couldnt party anymore, quit smoking, car got reposessed, couldnt do my waitressing job anymore because my hormones were kicking my ass and i cried ALOT (not so good for tips) lost my apartment because i wasnt working (that ended up for the best, but doesnt it all? ) started working as a customer service rep at an inbound call center, had the baby, went back to the call center... sat on my ass for about a year and a half. misery. all in all i gained (as of today) 125 pounds since july 26, 2006. the more i binge the more helpless i feel. the more helpless i feel, the more i binge (see a pattern?) i am 33 years old but i feel like i am 63. i am sore, tired and uncomfortable almost all of the time, every day. i am scared that my son will be embarrassed by me (more than kids are normally embarrassed by their parents) i am worried that i will pass on my bad habits to him. people tell me- you did it before! you can do it again!. ok, but i worked as a waitress and did physical work 8 hours a day, i bet i jogged at least 10 miles a day when i worked in pigeon forge! (that store was rockin and i made about $100 in tips per day on average.) i was single with no kids. i slept on couches and stayed out all night. i smoked cigarettes and pot. i got together with my friends and we spent evenings and weekends hiking and having adventures. I CANT DO ANY OF THAT STUFF!!! so, how in the hell am i going to succeed? i am sober, responsible, in college, work at a place that does random drug testing (thank god, i cant even think about it) sidenote~ i have been sober for 18 months my food addiction is my last hurdle to overcome. (control is a better word) people say, stop eating. just stop eating, stop binging and go exercize. ok, go tell an alcoholic to sit in a bar everyday for the rest of their life, and watch well produced alcohol commercials on tv between all of their favorite shows, and have the family serve alcohol at every family function (especially birthdays) but DONT DRINK. food is everywhere, it is celebration, reward, love, and we have to eat (5 small meals a day is best). thats a lot of work to keep up the motivation and strength to choose well. you cant ever be in a hurry, pre plan everything so that you dont end up at a drive thru or any other food establishment. ITS EFFIN HARD!!!!! so, here i go. to prove (to myself) that i can do this (again).

beautiful day~ramblings

i am going to try to sneak a quick shower while i let ben watch dr. doolittle (the only movie that he will watch for more than 5 minutes) i dont like for him to be in front of the tv all day, but unfortunately- as single parents (and parents without help at the moment, for those of you with an active co-parent)i need to get things done sometimes that require my child out of my way....

my deck looks SO pretty! i need to get a pedestal pot for my wave petunias that are already outgrowing their container. i would also like a birdbath that hangs on the railing (black wrought iron)of my deck. does anyone know if they even make something like that? i've never seen one but surely its available somewhere...

today is my 2nd day of the 30 day challenge i set up on the Wii Active game. WooHoo Bob Greene ;) i did excellent yesterday. No fast food..however i did have a bit of a binge when i made a tuna noodle casserole. why dont they make single serving casserole dishes? if you only have one person to cook for, its really difficult to make good stuff because it always creates too many leftovers and outrageous portion sizes. ben wont eat what i cook. he could live off of- mac n chz, goldfish crackers, ketchup, cottage chz, chicken nuggets, applesauce and his absolutle favorite food - watermelon. i give him what i make though and thats all he gets til the next meal. (then i give him stuff i am sure he will eat).... back to my Wii. Its fun to excersize using my Wii. i figure that death or surgery is much more costly in the long run, so i spent the nearly $400 dollars for the console and the 'Active' game. So far i've done at least a half an hour everyday since i bought it. ( I BETTER USE IT!!)

its such perfect day outside! i wish ben wasnt all sniffly and feverish and grumpy so that we could go somewhere. bummer. i know its probably just his teeth..(ridiculous amount of slobber!!! and he cries out in pain when he eats every once in a while so the food must be hitting the spot that the tooth is coming through at.) no other symptoms, the grouchiness and incessant whining is driving me nuts though. poor little guy, he is usually really happy so this sucks for both of us.

i just put him down for his nap, orajel, motrin and rocking. i watched him sleep for a while. i love the way his eyelashes are so long and dark against his pale, perfect skin. and his little elbows and wrists and the way he hangs on to his litle white night night bear even when he's asleep... one thing though, he needs a haircut. his hair looks just like rod stewart's...LOL


todays blessings.. my Son, my home, my family and friends and looking for the positive spin on things, the fact that i never have to share my son with his father and wonder where he is or what he is doing with whom.

where am i?

It is strange how one can lose their footing in life. As someone that had- at the age of 27- begun soul searching and had actually found the solid footing of self esteem and self worth for a short period of time, i know what it feels like to stumble. To stumble, not just my own eyes, but in front of God and everyone i cared about.

sidenote~ i am really tired, i hope this makes sense..lol

the strange part is that the people that knew me well during my brief period of self love and happiness, would know by my eyes alone that i am not where i need to be. however, the people that have never seen me in that mindset, think i am doing great. well, im not. okay, i have lost a bad habit and tend towards better decisions. but at what cost. i am still trying to find the middle ground. the line where who i was and who i am meet... i want to make good decisions and not feel like i am always proving myself. i really want to be left alone to my own decisions, no input. i know i am loved and they are just 'trying to help'. i am 33 years old. i run a household, i have managed academic honors in school even with a job and a toddler. i dont need anyone to remind me to put a coat on my child when it is 40 degrees outside. i dont think they realize that they are pushing me away. i LOVED living far away from opinions and worried glances. let me be a mom. all you are doing is making the normal...omg what am i doing... mom worries, a lot worse. i will make mistakes. i am old enough to know that i need to make mistakes to grow. i dont want to feel like a little kid anymore. i never did until i had a kid and became so scared to do something 'wrong', that i have become unsure, even timid. that is NOT ME. maybe if i stop listening to others and believe in myself again, i will be happy and feel like an adult again. i am about to find out. i lost myself... im tired of looking. i have been here the whole time. please love me, dont correct me. i am doing fine if you would just let me.

cleaning up

I am not a good housekeeper. It gets really overwhelming to me when i am working, studying and making sure Ben is happy, fed, and busy. Today was my first day off for the summer and i did SO good. I deep cleaned the entire kitchen, deep cleaned Bens room (whew), deep cleaned the bathroom and went through all of the huge piles of mail and paperwork that i had let build up since December. Tomorrow is the unemployment office, the public aid office ( gotta turn in my letter that says Derek no longer carries insurance on Ben so that Dr Patel will let me use our medical card until Ben is insured again.) just those two things ought to fill up my day. yuck! i still need to send a fax to gateway so that they will fix my computer and send in and finish the last part of my application for the new bus company that is taking over for our school district. (didnt i just go through a 6 week hiring process!!??? GAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!) i am a bit overwhelmed.

My blessings for today are- my home, my BEN, my family and friends. my pretty flowers on the deck, our good health, a good vaccuum and a bit of windex...LOL

memorial day cookout 2

So, anyways... it was small and quiet. Barb and i split the cooking and the price, and we did an awesome job :)

Ben called me Mommy today.. awwwww. yes, he has called me Mama for a long time, but it just changed to Mommy.... and he peed in the big potty! we called grammie and papaw and aunt barb and they were all excited with us. actually, while i was talking to barb about it, he started whining and pulling at his diaper and saying 'tinkee' (stinky).. so i ran him to the potty again and wah lah! he pooped. (not much, and then later he finished in his diaper, but he is starting to get it !)

Never in the first 31 years of my life, would i have thought i would be writing a blog about potty training. and being so graphic, too. yuck. oh, life has changed.

Today was the last day of school for District 61, so i am off for the summer. hmmm, i hope it goes better than the last time i wasnt working. it should, though. this time i am not 'unemployed per say, i am laid off' also, winter is more difficult because of being cooped up in the house all day, every day. i have a lot of activities planned for us. Bens last day at dayare is friday.. blahh! he was just starting to enjoy it again... oh well, he will get reaquainted again when school starts i suppose. its just so hard on both of us to readjust to such a big schedule change twice a year. im sure its no different than any other parent that has a child in daycare or school.



i miss my bus... lol

memorial day cookout

Today was fun. We invited minimal people because it was last minute and was supposed to rain. It ended up being my mom, barbs dad, tom ..... melissa just called so i will continue later, we are getting a wii game to play. funfun

alone time

Dont get me wrong, i love ben. i also love my alone time. i am sitting in my living room, looking out at my pretty flowers that skirt the sides of the deck that i just cleaned off without worrying about where ben was or what he was doing. no moments of panic as i turned around to see him no longer next to me, scared he has fallen over the side when he goes in the house to get a new truck to play with. no little butt sitting in my potted plants and squishing my pretty blooms. no yelling to the neighbor lady "Heyyyyyy , NahhhNessssaaahhhh!!!!!! Hiiiiiiiii!!!!!" (Vanessa, who happens to be his daycare teacher and longtime love...lol). No little fingers tangling my pretty windchimes ( i have to hang them off the sides of the deck because the building is brick and there is nowhere to hang them higher...) i am burning incense in the bathroom ( Nag Champa, i adore you!) and burning a candle in the living room (frosted vanilla cupcake, i love you too...lol) sidenote - the candle was given to me by a parent of a student on my bus route. it really made my day that someone realizes that my job is very important and can be dangerous, too. my job involves watching the road and driving defensively with perfect accordance to the laws... and babysitting about 45 grade school students that stand up and hit, yell and scream, curse like sailors, throw things out the windows, and otherwise distract me the entire bus ride. i love the job though. when i got the job i decided to stop being nervous about what the kids would say to me... believe me, there were comments about my weight and giggles for a while.... but i prayed for God to give me the strength to overlook my own self esteem and realize that these kids are treating me the way they are treated and taught to treat others. mostly i prayed that i could make a difference to the kids' school day. when i first started, i would say good morning and almost every child (not exagerrating) gave me dirty looks or looks of indifference and said nothing as they went to their seat. after 40 days with them, however and calling them young lady or young man, cracking down on being mean to other kids on the bus and profanity (even the phrase 'shut up' isnt allowed), my angels are awesome. we are now perfectly silent at railroad crossings (never thought that would happen) we sit correctly and quietly and i have even heard them tell each other to say 'be quiet' because it is rude to say 'shut up'... LOL I really am blessed with this job.

OK, so back to alone time...lol I am listening to NPR (prairie home companion is on!) with no Barney in the background. i am considering throwing bens highchair away. i have a booster seat... and i need the space back... but can i part with it yet? it is one of the only BABY things i have left for him... maybe. we'll see. first i need to clean out the refridgerator so that i know what i need at the store tonight. Barb and i are planning a memorial day cookout tomorrow. i am glad we are back to 'normal' again. (whatever normal is for us...lol) i missed her and the 3 boys and i am so happy that everyone seems to be getting along again.

I miss Ben. Wonder when they are bringing him home???

terrible 2's

We are getting really close to the terrible two's. I can tell the difference! Where is my sweet little baby that was so quiet and observant? I could take him anywhere and he was an angel (mostly). Now, I pray before we leave the house, and ask God to give me patience and Ben manners. The worst is when something doesn't go exactly the way he wants it to and BAM he throws his head back and lip out and he hits the floor. Any floor. Hot pavement, grocery store, middle of the road while we are walking from a parking lot, my absolute favorite one is when my hands are full and I am trying to get him upstairs to our apartment... and he lays inside the doorstep and screams because he wants me to carry him up the stairs. Good thing we don't like the lady downstairs anyways...lol She's a whole different blog. Ben has an uncanny knack for slamming his head into steps, toys, concrete, you name something painful- he's probably hit his head on it during a fit. But it is usually in public and there is some bitchy lady looking at me as if I pushed him to the ground and hit him in the head myself! How do you ignore a fit so that the child doesn't tantrum for attention, if the child bangs his head on his way down into a fit, and there are people watching??? Ok, at home I can tell by his reaction if he needs tended to. However, how do I (even if I know he is fine and just throwing more of a fit) ignore him in public when others are judging my every move? I don't really care what they think about my parenting, I just don't want anyone to think I am abusing him and call DCFS or the police- or however that works.

Ben isn't always a terror. lol Most of the time he is loving and helpful and smiling. But when he is good, he is very, very good..... and when he is bad he is horrid.

This Blog

This blog is going to be my attempt at journaling. I need a way to keep up with Benjamin's first and lasts. Also, my own stuff that I deal with. I will probably use inappropriate language at times, all lower case letters and no punctuation. But not today. Because Ben just finally decided to quit fighting his nap and Im gonna take a nap, too.