guilted

i am so tired of being made to feel guilty. stuff like this makes me want to run back to TN. i called my mom today because thats what i do about 20 times a day for no real reason. i was telling her how i was doing good with my eating and how i am trying to make myself realize that how i treat myself means everything to how Ben will learn to treat himself. and she busts out with a big 'youre teaching Ben how to treat his aunt". im like 'what?' she repeated herself and added that because i spend more time with my aunt nancie and worry more about her than i do my own mom, Ben will grow up worrying about and taking care of Barb, not me. WTF. i told her i was hanging up because that was ridiculous and she needed to think about the things she was saying to me. as soon as i hang up my mood lowered and i felt guilty. i also felt sad that Ben would like Barb more than me when i get old. then i really thought about it and i realized, okay, barb has kids. and i do not spend more time with nancie than i do with my mom. my mom doesnt come over often because she cant climb the stairs and when i ask her to do something she always has to go to the barn or something. but i always call her a lot every day just to chat about nothing. everytime i think we are on track to having a healthy relationship, i get a guilt trip. about stuff i am not even doing! according to her, i talk badly about her. like if she were to read this, i am talking badly about her. no, i am not, if she thinks this puts her in a bad light then maybe she should think before she speaks. here goes another guilt trip. 'i cant believe you wrote about me in your blog!!! now everyone will hate me and it will be YOUR fault'. a lot of things that go wrong in my moms life have been my fault. and you know, its just not true. but in my heart i feel guilty for it anyways just because she thinks so. and furthermore, i call or see nancie once or twice a week... but it shouldnt matter. everyone should be able to love whomever without having to feel guilty about it. except for me. i will spend the rest of my life trying to convince my mom that i love her and feeling guitly because i love others, too. i will never do this to Ben. no wonder i am a fat, psychotic mess.