alone time

Dont get me wrong, i love ben. i also love my alone time. i am sitting in my living room, looking out at my pretty flowers that skirt the sides of the deck that i just cleaned off without worrying about where ben was or what he was doing. no moments of panic as i turned around to see him no longer next to me, scared he has fallen over the side when he goes in the house to get a new truck to play with. no little butt sitting in my potted plants and squishing my pretty blooms. no yelling to the neighbor lady "Heyyyyyy , NahhhNessssaaahhhh!!!!!! Hiiiiiiiii!!!!!" (Vanessa, who happens to be his daycare teacher and longtime love...lol). No little fingers tangling my pretty windchimes ( i have to hang them off the sides of the deck because the building is brick and there is nowhere to hang them higher...) i am burning incense in the bathroom ( Nag Champa, i adore you!) and burning a candle in the living room (frosted vanilla cupcake, i love you too...lol) sidenote - the candle was given to me by a parent of a student on my bus route. it really made my day that someone realizes that my job is very important and can be dangerous, too. my job involves watching the road and driving defensively with perfect accordance to the laws... and babysitting about 45 grade school students that stand up and hit, yell and scream, curse like sailors, throw things out the windows, and otherwise distract me the entire bus ride. i love the job though. when i got the job i decided to stop being nervous about what the kids would say to me... believe me, there were comments about my weight and giggles for a while.... but i prayed for God to give me the strength to overlook my own self esteem and realize that these kids are treating me the way they are treated and taught to treat others. mostly i prayed that i could make a difference to the kids' school day. when i first started, i would say good morning and almost every child (not exagerrating) gave me dirty looks or looks of indifference and said nothing as they went to their seat. after 40 days with them, however and calling them young lady or young man, cracking down on being mean to other kids on the bus and profanity (even the phrase 'shut up' isnt allowed), my angels are awesome. we are now perfectly silent at railroad crossings (never thought that would happen) we sit correctly and quietly and i have even heard them tell each other to say 'be quiet' because it is rude to say 'shut up'... LOL I really am blessed with this job.

OK, so back to alone time...lol I am listening to NPR (prairie home companion is on!) with no Barney in the background. i am considering throwing bens highchair away. i have a booster seat... and i need the space back... but can i part with it yet? it is one of the only BABY things i have left for him... maybe. we'll see. first i need to clean out the refridgerator so that i know what i need at the store tonight. Barb and i are planning a memorial day cookout tomorrow. i am glad we are back to 'normal' again. (whatever normal is for us...lol) i missed her and the 3 boys and i am so happy that everyone seems to be getting along again.

I miss Ben. Wonder when they are bringing him home???