It is strange how one can lose their footing in life. As someone that had- at the age of 27- begun soul searching and had actually found the solid footing of self esteem and self worth for a short period of time, i know what it feels like to stumble. To stumble, not just my own eyes, but in front of God and everyone i cared about.
sidenote~ i am really tired, i hope this makes sense..lol
the strange part is that the people that knew me well during my brief period of self love and happiness, would know by my eyes alone that i am not where i need to be. however, the people that have never seen me in that mindset, think i am doing great. well, im not. okay, i have lost a bad habit and tend towards better decisions. but at what cost. i am still trying to find the middle ground. the line where who i was and who i am meet... i want to make good decisions and not feel like i am always proving myself. i really want to be left alone to my own decisions, no input. i know i am loved and they are just 'trying to help'. i am 33 years old. i run a household, i have managed academic honors in school even with a job and a toddler. i dont need anyone to remind me to put a coat on my child when it is 40 degrees outside. i dont think they realize that they are pushing me away. i LOVED living far away from opinions and worried glances. let me be a mom. all you are doing is making the normal...omg what am i doing... mom worries, a lot worse. i will make mistakes. i am old enough to know that i need to make mistakes to grow. i dont want to feel like a little kid anymore. i never did until i had a kid and became so scared to do something 'wrong', that i have become unsure, even timid. that is NOT ME. maybe if i stop listening to others and believe in myself again, i will be happy and feel like an adult again. i am about to find out. i lost myself... im tired of looking. i have been here the whole time. please love me, dont correct me. i am doing fine if you would just let me.
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