in the zone

I am SO 'in' my addiction right now. I have known it and thought about it, but tonight i can feel it down to my bones. Ever since June 19th, 2006 when I seperated myself from the man that i thought i couldn't live without, i have been eating. eating and eating. nonstop. i have always been a bigger girl, ever since i was molested as a young girl, (awkward to mention, however relevant)i have been kind of a walking wreck. i have been on and off (mostly on) various types of street drugs from the age of 19 in 1995 until January 2007. I lost over 100 pounds after i left my now ex husband back in 2003. It took me 3 years to lose it all. I felt great and looked great. unfortunately, there is a food addiction going on now that the drugs are gone. i just switched. i am probably more emotionally healthy than i have ever been, but my disease has taken over my looks. everyone can see my disease. most days i would rather be a drug addict because at least then i could hide my issues. i have been fighting buying a pack of cigarettes all weekend. i haven't given in because of Ben. I quit smoking when i was 4 months pregnant with him and don't want him exposed to that. so, instead of buying cigarettes or drinking alcohol, i took my prescribed anxiety pill and ate junk all weekend. i feel awful. i want to be back in Sevierville, TN... chillin by the pond with on old rusty trash barrel on fire, watchin the flames and listening to the frogs and crackling and popping of the firewood. analyzing the music (usually Goosecreek Symphony or Bob Seger) that played in the background, coming from his big ole blue van. i think he may have permanently damaged me. I still can't say or type his name. anyways, i don't feel alive anymore. i am just sad underneath my smile and i don't know how to get my happy back. it took 3 years of bliss to make me love me. i really did. now its been 3 more years wondering what went wrong and how in the hell did i get stuck here in IL again? i swore i wouldn't come back. i learned how to be me in the mountains. i conquered fears and anxieties and stood alone and strong throughout it all. now, i feel afraid and nervous most of the time. i used to live like a gypsy, with my opinions loud and my laugh strong. with no responsibilities. i love my responsibilities. i am on the Deans list at the local community college, have been sober for about 2 1/2 years now, have lived in my own apartment and paid my bills on time longer than i ever have in my life.... i guess i'm in a stable place in my life for the first time. so, my problem is that i want to be me. and happy. and stable. for some reason, i dont work like that. i'm either responsible and depressed or i am wild and filled with joy. if it weren't for Ben, i would be back out on the road, chasing whichever rainbow appealed to me at the moment... however, Ben is here and he needs stability. So i make his life happy and healthy and secure. I miss my life.