2:30 am

Here I am at 2:30am sitting up having a panic attack. My left arm feels numb and tingly...or does it? I feel my heart palpatating...I think. Ben woke me up at 1:30am having a nightmare or something. We layed on the couch for a while together and he kept pointing to something that I can't see and saying 'bird' or maybe it was 'ball'. They still sound alike to me. At some point we both drifted off again and I startled awake when he startled awake. He looked to me as if he were falling while laying still. Both hands extended out with fear on his little crumpled face. I held him tighter as he rolled to snuggle into my chest. By 2:15am I finally got him convinced to go back to his own bed. Since then I have had the most heavy feeling like I am going to die. For those of you that have never experienced a full out panic attack.. count your blessings. My mind goes back and forth with toying with the idea that this is it. Not a panic atack but the onslaught of a heart attack. Or perhaps a stroke. Or maybe the ghost or spirit Ben was pointing to is here to take me. Or one of us, oh God let it be me if it's the latter. I am reflecting on my life, how much I take for granted and the things I've yet to do. At some point I prayed that I could fall asleep only to awake in the morning safely, this wretched night behind me. I took an anxiety pill that I have been prescribed for this exact situation. The writing is calming me down a bit. I just want to sleep and let this paralyzing fear go. Instead, I will wait for the pill to kick in and try not to think of what my mind keeps eluding to. I won't think of how everyday I get closer to death, how we all do and how I can't control anything, really. Instead, I will attempt to mindlessly watch Roseanne reruns on television and try to calm down enough to fall back to sleep.