a little therapy

Ok. I distance myself from others. I really always have, with few exceptions. Unless I was under the influence of something, I never opened up. So now that I am no longer under the influence of anything, I find it really difficult to 'hang out' or do anything with other people. I don't even really care to talk on the phone. I usually blow it off and chalk it up to being a hermit, but I think I really have an issue. I break out into sweats when I have to go around people. I avoid get-togethers. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone. Even my own family, there is a disconnect. I see videos and pics on social networking sites of people hanging out and having fun and I admit it makes me sad and jealous. I want to be laughing. I want to be connected to others. To belong. This problem has gotten a lot worse since I met my father and was subsequently rejected. That's a whole can of worms to itself, but long story short, he has actually made it abundantly clear that I disgust him because of my weight and he believes I am a waste. After 32 years of wondering if he was alive and who he was, I met him and he made me cry. One more man that has made me feel worthless. Anyways, I remember even in grade school I was disconnected. I have to assume it was a mixture of the sexual abuse and the fact that I didn't live with my mom as much as I lived with my aunts and Grandma. I always lived at other peoples houses. When I lived in Tennessee I was extremely independant and I was happy. It seems like being around my family isn't good for me. Then again, maybe it is and I am just crazy because I don't like to be around anyone anymore. My weight is a symptom of a much larger issue. I think I didn't keep it off last time I lost it because I didn't learn why I gained it in the first place. I use my weight as a way to disconnect, to maintain my feelings of guilt and of being a burden to all of those that know me. My mind knows that I am a great person. Thats the hardest part. My mind contradicts itself all of the time. It's like I have an abusive conscience that tells me all day long. ~" You did a great job at (whatever), maybe you aren't so worthless after all, fatass". Seriously, that is a normal conversation from myself to myself. It's horrible. I need to stop. I wonder how.....