I really dont know what to believe. Or how to feel. I have this person telling me that this other person talks about me horribly with this other person and I say no way. I wont believe it. But then someone whom I thought I got along with and have known half of my life denies my friend request. The only link being the person I said wouldnt talk badly about me. At the same time another person is starting trouble by asking people why I am mad at them when I never indicated any such thing. Still another is trying to micromanage my parenting skills. I may be paranoid. I may be justified in my thinking. I cant take it much longer. I just want to get away. I want to be loved by my family unconditionally and I cant trust that I am. Lately, I have been thinking that Ben would be better off without me. I know he loves me. I love him more than anything in the world. Thats why I wonder if being around me is gonna put him in my shoes in 20 or so years. The family outcast. Wouldnt he be better off with a big loving family? Instead all he gets is me. My mom didnt want me around until I had him. My dad never did and never will. The rest is a trust issue that I cant overcome. I think Rob Thomas said it best when he sang
PUSH
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well
This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good
[chorus]
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will
She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well
Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all
[chorus]
Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby
[chorus]
I have this voice in my head (no, its not a 'voice' like that) but it keeps saying that I am a horrible person. Over and over. The other day I was really depressed and I couldnt stop thinking it over and over again. So I decided to leave the house before I got too low and go on to work a bit early. I stopped at the entrance of my parking lot because I suddenly needed to find my gas money even though I knew right where it was. When I looked up I saw Sheryl. She had no clue where I lived but was driving to find me because she just knew she needed to. She gave me a gift and told me I was special and I cried because I knew God sent her to me. She saved me that day. I was so depressed that I really couldnt find a reason to keep going through the motions with the exception of the fact that I cant leave Ben. Which is actually probably a selfish reason.
In the last couple of years I have gotten sober and lost everything. Relationships that thought were made of steel have crumbled. I try every day. Every day I try. It just isnt enough.
Anyways. Sometimes I just wanna go home. I am tired of being strong and faking it. I just want to lay down and sleep. Forever. It's okay, though... I'll keep going. I just don't know how most of the time.
1 comment:
Ben ...that is why you need to be here. You know that.
You know if you don't feel your mother loves unconditionally then how can anyone else. It is hard when you feel that and your mom is around.
But if you have a mom who left you, in whatever way you are talking about, then he would always feel he was not good enough for you to stay. If Mommy don't love you, who can?
You remind me of Triece, I think even before he got cancer she just wanted to escape. There was a time when she did not leave her apartment for months. Triece and our other friend Chris talked of the best way to die.
I was sitting between them at church one Sunday and they were passing notes back and forth over me. "I just want to die" "I wish the Lord would take me now" "Can't be soon enough" back and forth remarks on dying...with me in the middle. I was afraid the Lord would say Fine! and strike...and get ME, the one in the middle!!!! And I want to live!!!!
There are many who feel as you do... my 2 best friends were like that. You are not alone in those feelings. My friends are still here 20 years later and now are glad to be here for their grandchildren.
But...Ben..Ben...Ben...no one will love Ben like his Mommy loves Ben.
So...Ben's Mommy, hang in there.
I know there are prayes going up for you. I know you get tired of being strong. So pick a time when your neighbors are not home and I give you permission to lay on the floor, kicking and screaming. And then....(this is important) you have to get up and continue on. Important!! Get up and continue...if you continue to scream they will come and take you away and lock you up in lala land.
Hang in there Rachel.
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